Heart & Soul

It's been a time of yearning. 


The past few weeks have been a time of some hardcore feeling. 


I wake up every morning, longing for things I've perhaps never ever wanted so bad. I guess it's that phase of life, where what you want isn't just something conjured from a whim or a flight of fancy, but from something that is so much more deep-rooted and grounded. It actually makes me yearn and tugs at me; something I never knew I was capable of feeling. 


I've always tried to keep my distance, be a bit disconnected and walk my journey thus. But life' just getting way too existential as I've spent the past few weeks longing for things that make me feel so much more liberated and give me meaning, a purpose, a reason. 


I want to use my energy, which I know I have a plethora of, in ways that would make me feel grounded. I want to create, I want to think, I want to explore, I want to imagine...I so want to express myself. I've always been a writer, I'm always thinking and I'm doing my bit whenever and however I can, but something's amiss. 


I'm slowly realizing that I need to take a step back and look at how far I've come. Remember the pressure cooker I was talking about? Well, I think it's at its seams now. There's something in me that is just waiting for that release; that moment where I can just let go and do what my heart and soul desires.


I think I just need a push to set the ball rolling, to let that much accumulated steam out. Because I know what I want and I know I'm quite capable of getting what I want. And if it's been speaking to me so strongly and for this long, then I know I've found that place I want to take my plunge into. 


The yearning must give way to movement and it won't be long.

Globe Trotter

It's interesting to note that the readers of my blog are spread across India, US, UK, Malaysia, UAE, Israel, Canada, Germany, France, Japan and Russia.


*hmmmmmm* 


Keep reading folks! :)

A Revisit

Through the tonnes of work the team and I are piled under, I found something which motivated me to push through it all, come here and write. As is well known, I'm amazingly pathetic with names of people, songs, movies, characters, etc; and I'm not even ashamed to confess the same. It's one of my misgivings that the world and I have to live with.


So, amidst the workload, I came across the following song on a friend's playlist which I didn't even bother perusing through before I clicked the play button:





And the connection to the song was instantaneous. I went back to it, and its on the 3rd loop currently. I haven't even gone back and checked the lyrics, but chose to come here instead and say how much this song reminds me of


Cul-Ah! 


It takes me back to Cul-Ah!, which is Mount Carmel College's annual fest. The song takes me back to my college days, with me perched somewhere under the massive trees around the basketball court, huddled in my woolens as band members clad in their cliched black tees and baggy jeans walked to the stage to perform. We had one entire morning dedicated to Western Electric and another whole morning dedicated to Western Acoustic, and man was the former a wild ride! And while there was this whole Korn phase going on, with people droning on over their songs I don't remember, this is one that stuck around.


This is probably the only time of the year that I'd get my so called, 'Metal Dose'. I know squat about Metal, but I loved that one day. The jarriness and bass of the towering speakers all around, conversations, the guitar solos,the screams especially when tracks were nearing their end, applauds, bands being begged for encores, colleges rooting for their clans; the whole 9 yards. Epic. 


And I've been taken back to those 3 days, as I recollect my 5 years spent there, this Friday morning. The weather matches, the mood matches, the state of mind definitely does and the memories fit in as well.


PS> Nevermindthevideo.

Quicksand

My state of mind, philosophy and everything else in between, surmises why I'm feeling the way I am. I'm caught in this state of limbo or inertia, if I may. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I feel like I've lost my otherwise awesome sense of direction. I feel like I'm stuck in this weird pit of quicksand. Perhaps that's why I'm so inert. I feel tired just thinking about sinking deeper whenever I fight to emerge from that pit. 


It's not like things are spiraling out of control or getting worse. I'm in a sort of comfortable zone. The challenge is to remain exuberant and active through it all, because that is who I am. I'm not someone who can be caught in a rut or take things lying down. I cannot squat my energy away doing absolutely nothing. It was just today that I was feeling so inspired; overflowing with energy and the immense need to channelize my creativity somewhere. I still am feeling all of that. But I'm that pressure cooker who's sealed so tight that I'm waiting to burst, in a good way of course.


I've always been someone who's tried to do things differently. I love innovation. I love thinking beyond what I've been given. I love taking chances when I know I can. I did that with the way I learnt, worked, taught and with pretty much everything else I was a part of. I've always had an outlet to channelize my need to do something good - I've thrived on writing, cooking, photography, art, craft, acting, traveling, exploring, learning, singing, dancing - and continue to do so. 


I realize the quicksand pit I was referring to earlier on is none other than me. And I say so because I think I've stopped trying. I've become so caught up with worldly things that I've just stopped responding to that steam which is rapidly building up inside me. I've to create that opportunity and moment of release. It's only me who has the key I'm looking for. And that key is absconding thanks to the absence of a map/plan and direction. I look all around me and I feel happy looking at people's efforts from scratch, their struggles, their triumphs and their stories of pulling it through. It isn't an easy world, yes. But I'm grateful that my worldview and outlook to life doesn't allow me to stop at that. 


I love living for the moment.
I thrive on learning and making use of my learnings.
I live to live, not live to survive.
I live to love and absolutely love living.
I feel gifted in abundance.
I feel inspired, and all this would be my inspiration talking.
I love loving.
I love giving.
I love having a good time and ensure it whenever and wherever I go, with whatever I have.


I believe we live for a lifetime's worth and leave this world in an instant, never to get back whatever we've left behind. Therefore, I take my chances. I take the plunge where I know I can swim through. I stay put when I know I can't surpass the deep-end just yet. I tell people who matter, how I feel. I slam the door on people who don't. I make no bones about my boundaries with people. I eventually learn how to swim through the deep-end. I tell people I love them for whatever it's worth (or not). I don't tread on people's toes unless they push me to. Through it all, in Lee Ann Womack's wordings of one of my favourite songs, I get up and dance. 


I've picked my inspiration from this piece I came across as a kid. And I've been holding on to it ever since. Have yourselves a read. It's my sunshine. 

All I need to do is to stop the lethargy and get moving. Because there's only one book I've got to write and I can't afford to leave pages blank as they turn by.

Magic Monday

Today's been a weird kinda Monday. A good weird. Why? Because it didn't feel like Monday, for starters.


I've been ranting about how hungover the beginnings of a week can be and how my world's one of dichotomies at the moment - what with the see-sawing of opinions about my work timings - especially with a fast approaching winter.


So yes, while I braced for the swift arrival of another new week, did some weird sprint sort of thing between my bed and the next best thing (the geyser switch in the bathroom) and had the whole zombie-like stupor moment in front of my cupboard all over again, I didn't really wake with that usual Monday-grey cloud hovering over my head. You know, the one that spreads its blahness, static, foulness, and wrath sometimes, on unsuspecting people around you; especially if poked and prodded the wrong way. I was excused with all that drama today morning, and the lack of baggage can make one feel unbelievably awesome.


That, however, didn't stop me from cursing the change in weather as I splashed my fast-numbing and close to hypothermic face with the contents of a water tank exposed to the elements through the night. Never have I felt the need to dunk my hand in a pot of boiling water than today. And I realize that this is just the beginning. 


But like I've said even earlier on, these are those initial 10 minutes one has to suffer in order to experience what you'll see below. May these crude versions give you a fraction's glimpse and feel of the magic and poetry I'm privileged to witness every morning.

Add Mark Knopfler's 'Romeo and Juliet' that showed up, and my Monday morning's entry into BTP began with a smile I never knew I was capable of having, at this hour, on a Monday. 


I realize it doesn't take much to make me happy. A BIG thought to begin the week with. 

ROFL Friday Breakfasting!

My colleagues and I stumbled upon a recipe for unimaginable reminiscing and laughter over breakfast today with the ingredients being:























with the icing on the cake being





The 90s was a funny phase - the mother of all understatements! 


Add to this list :)

Happy Happy

Saying "I love YouTube" wouldn't amount to what I'm feeling this morning thanks to its video suggestion to me today:





*sigh*


I cannot wait for this movie. I've watched it a kazillion times and have dreamt and cried over it even more. I remember watching this for the first time in some movie theater in Kolkata, on a summer's matinee show. And man did it blow me away. Everything right from the graphics, cinematography, scripting and dialogues, actors, music, etc, etc took my fancy almost instantly. And the fact that it's releasing in 3D just makes me feel that excitement all over again. 


It's a movie we all went gaga over instantly. And at the age we were at when it got released didn't really make a difference. The girls swooned over Billy Zane's charisma and Leonardo DiCaprio's portrayal of Jack Dawson who felt so liberating and awesome while the guys drooled over a very sensuous Kate Winslet. I remember the massive craze it was to find the uncensored version and then proudly boasting about the "feat". Oh and I loved the Captain too! Such a man! And the OST is probably what stuck around the longest, what with our having to sing "My Heart Will Go On" at every family gathering. I think that "tradition" still exists with yours truly being the center or a rather uncomfortable spotlight. Titanic was all over the place - in our minds, conversations, while crushing our teenage years away on the opposite sex and so on - and that's something I'll always look back at very fondly.


However, I must say I'm not a 3D buff, especially for movies that aren't animated, but whether this version will click or not isn't something I care too much about. I think James Cameron's gone ahead thinking the same as well. Titanic is Titanic is Titanic. People are going to watch it and love it either which way. And this is one movie I'm willing to blow many notes on!


The trailer just gave me goosebumps all the 5 times I watched it. That pretty much sums up the enormity of this phenomenon I'd like to call Titanic.


Let me leave you with a few of my favourites while I recline back and make the most of my day which YouTube played such a fantastic role in. Have a fabulous Friday!





and





and this which made me bawl like a baby





and then this (pardon the video quality)

A few of my favourite things

Sweatshirts in all colours, sizes and presentable conditions
Socks
Pyjamas
Stoles
Woolens
Hands tucked into each other's
Shivers
Huddles
Steaming bowls of soup, maggi (with scrambled eggs on top)
Hot chocolate
Fog
Winter sun
November blue skies
Sun bathing
Warm hugs
Rum


My favourite season is here. Much joy being felt. :)

Today

YouTube suggested I watch this on a morning when I want nothing more than my bed and quilt. It fits, the song and my state of mind... The video's interesting till the girl arrives. It's annoying when skin and sex is what it takes for a video/movie, etc to become "entertaining".


Anyhoo, here it is...





*hibernates*

My worldview

Looking at how caught up I am with the song in my previous post and by what the lyrics and singer are trying to communicate to me, I realize it sums up the way I approach my life on a daily basis.


"Waqt ki qaid mein zindagi hai magar
chand ghadiyan yehi hain jo aazad hain
Inko kho kar mere jaan-e-jaan
umr bhar na taraste raho"


What's life if you don't live it the way it's meant to be lived?
What's living if you don't take that dive and feel that rush?
What use are relationships if you don't communicate?
What's love if you've never let it embrace you?
What's a chance if you don't give it a second glance?
What's a moment if you don't thrive in it?
What's exploration if you live inside your walls?
What's a risk if you're not willing to fall?
What's a rainbow if all you see is rain?
What's every day worth if it's spent in regret?
What's a feeling if you don't let it get to you?
What's a thought if you bury it under intellect?
What's time if you ponder about its absence?
What's your life if you don't let go and fly away?

Poetry in the morning

...in the form of one of my favouritest songs. 


We'll mute my written words for now :)

Work-out chronicles & observations

People think they're as hep as hotties Gisele Bundchen and George Clooney because they cannot stop staring at their ass, abs, thighs, muscles and their entire selves more than is required. Yes, it does feel nice to check oneself and the other yummies around you out, but not after every time you lift a dumbbell. 


People love flailing their arms around while doing namesake shoulder and back press exercises especially when they've forgotten to wear deo. And I cannot, for the life of me, understand how they fail to get hit by their own pungent sweat stink. This applies to both men and women! Nauseating.


Another cause of concern are stinky shoes, socks and feet. I wonder what happened to gym etiquette. 


After all this while, I've come to believe that it takes great courage for a gifted woman to run in public, on a treadmill. And by gifted I don't mean skinny, flat-chested women. I think it takes great guts. I would wish for better equipment in the concerned area, but I applaud them for not dying/passing out in what could've otherwise been sheer embarrassment.


I think middle-aged men should have a separate work-out enclosure because some of them can be purely disgusting, what with them pumping iron while staring at other, much younger women. I don't know if it's to impress the women folk around more or to boost one's own testosterone-filled morale. Whatever it is, it's just plain disgusting and such a turn-off.


I think mirrors in the gym are the ones that never make you look thin(ner). :|


But it's a known case that women generally have quite a warped sense of body-image. This is especially true when some girls who've become a bag of skin and bones with ugly protruding cheekbones, also having lost their boobs and ass along the way, think they're still fat. While we have that lot, we have another group of skin&bone bags who think they look hot. Thin = SAD. The extent of body-image issues astounds me. It's something I've always been fascinated with, enough to research.


Working out is painful, especially when you've to push yourself and raise the bar pretty often. But the treacherous path leads to such an unbelievable high -the endorphin high- which nothing else, at that moment, can beat.


It's super super awesome to watch old people, especially the couples, to work out. Their drive, stamina and willpower makes me feel ashamed of myself almost always. 


The pounding hunger one feels immediately after a workout pretty much explains why I don't look like someone who's ever set foot in a gym! It's true. It's a ravenous sort of hunger.


So yes, these observations are some I've noticed on a regular basis; enough to write a blog post about them, of all things!

Girl Time

We talk about ourselves.

We talk about each other.

We talk about our life.

We talk about others in and around our periphery.

We reminisce.

We laugh about our past.

We giggle and/or groan about our present and its possibilities.

We ponder over our future.

We plan.

We decide.

We eat.

We think.

We talk about men.

We get dreamy-eyed about the ones we want or have in our life.

We picture the combination of potential couples; the combinations that would work, set our life on fire, or just fizzle out.

We argue.

We try and configure our future.

We talk about marriage.

We dream about having a house of our own.

We imagine how sharing spaces with a man for life, would be.

We rue over having a man, a husband, a lover, a friend in and beyond matrimony.

We shudder at the thought of messy bathrooms, dirty socks on the floor, unkempt homes and pasting post-it notes to help prevent that unkemptness.

We live in hopes, dreams and desires.

We share them, discuss them, edit them and settle back, hoping for the best.

We feel our best in pjs and old sweatshirts, huddled over cups of tea and conversations in bed.

We imitate teachers.

We laugh over college days.

We ring in memories together.

We bitch and vent.

We cannot talk enough about sex.

We imagine flings and wild moments.
We discuss what we can do to make those moments better.

We compare the has been, the is and the will be.

We discuss our families.

Girls' nights out are therapeutic. They make room for everything and more. And at the end of it all, you only wish for more encores to happen. 

What you wear, how you look, how deforested or not you are, how you sit or what you even talk about doesn't matter. And those are moments when the last thing you think about is the want for some testosterone-filled company or alcohol for that matter.

A sleepy sleepy weekend-hungover Tuesday

Apart from my status message on facebook which says I drove by a painting this dawn, I think my morning chirpiness started and stopped at that. 


I'm back at work, my feet are feeling especially cold, my mind's been hitting the snooze button since I stepped into the spaceship and work's just about moving, if at all. 


I'm having pretty bad withdrawal symptoms of my quilt and warm bed, which would've now gone cold in my absence. :( And beds aren't supposed to be cold. It's just not meant to be. Anyway, to prevent further hypothermic rants, here's what's keeping me going music-wise.














This is where I'm headed!


Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Productive

It's been raining alllllllll day long since the past week. It's not that refreshing rain. It's that l-a-z-y, lethargic rain that refuses to even stop. It rains when it's cloudy and it rains when it's bright and sunshiney outside as well. It's that dirty rain which brings everything outside and inside to some weird sort of a standstill with absolutely no sign of any breeze either. It just makes everything humid, wet, sticky and stinky. And if it's raining while I'm inside the spaceship, I'm either at my seat cuddled in my sweater sipping on something hot or literally jogging along the corridors trying to keep warm. We won't even talk about meetings in the conference rooms and how they make me feel.


It's depressing, to say the least. Couple that with a fast approaching winter and things just don't look/feel pretty. I haven't even had the chance to find and float around in my November Blue Sky!! Not happening. And why I chose to actually write about this depressing weather is because of its effect on me. 


I think the most productive thing I've done today is get back into bed (after my morning dose of the web and giving the pigs their breakfast), turn a few pages of Amitav Ghosh's 'River of Smoke' before turning my lethargic self over and hitting the snooze button. Yes, so while these kinda Saturdays come once in a while and demand such sloth, it's not something that makes me feel so nice! 


Go away you stupid cyclone, wherever you are. Give the rain to those who need it!

For the love of thinking

We human beings are a pretty funny and strange lot. I'll elucidate the same by contextualizing it with the recently launched metro services in Bangalore. 


So yes, Bangalore just witnessed her first stint with the metro after so many years of toil and political lethargy. And through this entire process, right from its inception to inauguration, we've seen truck-loads of mishaps and untoward incidents unfold. It's but natural for people to suspect and be wary of this infrastructural feature - what with stories of concrete slabs falling off from the heights they did with traffic underneath, cranes upturning, workers dying and so on. 


However, when the metro rolled out on October 20th, every one did breathe a sigh of relief. There's finally a mode of transport that is fast and can *finally* give the dastardly Bangalore auto federation what it truly deserves. It's swanky (for the time being) and isn't monotonous. We don't need to beg, bargain and bray. Not for Phase 1 at least.


On the other hand, there were quite a few people who gave the metro a miss, especially on the first few days. Why? To test how safe it truly is by waiting it out and seeing if something goes wrong (like it stalling mid-way thanks to a power cut) or if something more drastic like the concrete blocks getting dismantled, or worse, the metro taking a fatal turn and falling off altogether (God forbid!). Yes, there were people who waited to see if any of the above would happen. Ghastly, I know. 


I go back to saying we're a funny and strange lot because of the way we think and categorize our world and experiences. We build our experiences and retain our memories based on something called the 'availability heuristic' which is nothing but a strategy of making judgments on the basis of how easily certain kinds of information come to our mind. So we base our thoughts and judgments on events that are more sensationalized and big than events that are, say, more 'regular' in nature, if I may.


Therefore we'd tend to remember events like 

and

making them much more vivid in our mind and that much faster for us to recollect over an automobile accident, cancer or a hospital death. 


We're more wary of a flight or a high-security alert, and perhaps have every reason to be, even though statistics prove that more people die from car and/or bike accidents, smoking and say, diabetes on a daily basis. We're a funny lot, the way we think. 




*The post is intended to comment on how we think, and not pass any judgments on smoking or other recreational activities/habits. 

Counseling

It's really not cool to have counselors and mental health professionals actually go quite out of their way to talk about the importance of counseling and living a healthy life! Let's just get some facts out there because I couldn't possibly be more frank than this when I say that counseling is all about you, and ONLY you.

I'm stepping out of my counselor shoes for just this post and being forthright so that I can try and put things into perspective without being patient, empathizing or 'counselor-like'.

We've to stop believing and imagining that poor health is limited to the physicality of our body.

Let's give our self credit for the fact that we have a brain, a mind, a personality and emotions (for starters) and that sometimes, just sometimes, they need to be worked on. We're not born perfect.

And if we believe we're born perfect, then all the very best to us. It's your call to check whether I'm being sarcastic or not. Seriously.

Just like how our body slows down, changes gears and falters sometimes, so does our mind.

We live in a world that is much much much more than just biology.

Our biology's someone else's creation while our life and the way we lead it is OUR creation. So we'd want to pay closer attention to how we weave it, walk it and live it.

Going to a counselor does not make one insane, mad, strange or outlandish just like how going to a doctor doesn't make us any of that either.

You think our body's complicated? Wait till you see how our mind and emotions make that word the mother of all understatements.

No, we counselors don't read minds. We help you read your self. Google the difference.

Like I said, counseling is not about what anyone thinks or feels but how YOU think and feel. 

Counseling is NOT psychoanalyzing. So we're not going to unveil our deepest secrets and thoughts and pick up the next microphone we see.

Even if we did figure those secrets and thoughts out, it would be you who told us. Like I said, we're counselors, not mind-readers.

And if you're arrogant enough to think this isn't for you, fair enough. Just don't stand by and blame the world for whatever's going wrong with you. 

I don't apologize for being blunt. I love this profession. I think it's noble and heartwarming for someone to actually give a rat's ass about helping you. And I appreciate those who are brave enough to give it a try. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. So like I said, if this is something you can't digest/stomach, walk on and I won't judge you. However, stereotyping people who want to go give their life a makeover/second chance would just land you at the bottom of the trash can. And that stinks. Think about it the next time you call someone mad.

*wears her counselor shoes again*

TGIF

And this is the first song that shows up today - 





It's the mother of all dance songs, personally speaking. It's been a while since I heard it, but I still heart it as much. It's my dance song. It's that one song that makes me just get up and move. It's the one song I never ever fail to miss dancing to, wherever I am, even whilst walking down the Christ University drive (which is prrrrrrrreeeeeeettyyy long and always crowded!). So yeah, I like this song just the way it are :P


Here's to bringing Friday in style. Cheers! :D

Thursday

As I switched my player on today, here's what it threw me while I wound my way through sleepy streets and a refreshing Thursday dawn to get to work.











and 





Yes, it took me just these songs to get here and liven my morning up! Have yourselves a great one! :)


Oh, and this showed up as well :)

Dichotomies

The best thing about my work timing is the immense reduction of time spent traveling. Add almost zero traffic; empty roads; cold, fresh and pollution-less air; occasional races with trains on these empty roads (almost a non-existent scene in the city); a pinkish-purple dawn-stained sky; peace and calm. 


The bane of my work timing is the speed at which winter is fast approaching us. Couple that with the fact that I actually rise and get to work before the sun does (which is just not in the natural order of things!) and the fact that I have to get out of the warm and cozy burrow in my quilt and make a dash to switch the geyser on, pack my breakfast and lunch and stand in a zombie-like daze in front of my cupboard whilst ma and Sam are jolly-skipping away to glory in la-la-land! I can actually feel the sun become lazier, milder and slower. And because it's been pouring in Bangalore every day, the sun just got himself a big, fat, thick blanket!


But it's just that initial 5...ok make that 10, minutes of agony and mental lethargy that seem like an eternity's worth of hard work to just lug myself outta bed instead of turning over and hiding deeper inside the confines of my quilt, which are challenging. It's a smooth ride after that. 


I love the peace, calm, stillness and quiet that dawns are always synonymous with. I love the water-coloured sky. I love watching life slowly unfold for the new day with these tiny kinara tea shops bubbling their first batch of tea under one luminescent tube light while milk booths nearby are stacked with packets of Nandini milk. And there are people who actually have the will enough to wake up at that hour and exercise, wearing monkey caps if they have to. I love that I've finished quite a major chunk of my day before the rest of the office arrives. It makes me feel like I've done a lot and more. It's quiet, it's serene and the spaceship looks inviting. I love that I have enough and more time left once I leave work. 


So yes, while winter's fast approaching and making those first 10 minutes of my wakefulness seem like eternity's worth of effort, it's a small price I've to pay for the rest of the day and its offerings. Or so I hope. Because winter's jusssssssst making her presence felt. Just about.


Let's see how the see-saw goes.

Mid-week party. In my head.

As is the norm, I landed up on YouTube almost as soon as I switched my comp on. And because I spend almost all my day picking stuff off from YouTube to listen to, it's slowly started customizing its homepage to things that would interest me. I scrolled down to find this - 





Well, I don't know why this turned up on my feeds, but click it, I did. And I've been hooked. It's on loop (I am a loop girl, for the nth time). It's not those fast, typical Punjabi numbers even. But being a Punjabi track, it's already transported me to a different world altogether. I do not even understand Punjabi but there's always something about any Punjabi track that makes you want to get up from wherever you're sitting and just dance! Or dance in your chair, at least. And here are some more than have got me going...








with this being the ultimate, for me at least.





So yes, I'm having a mid-week headphone party. In my head. :D