Because we're a series of short stories

...and here's a short story from my life.

I've always had an affinity towards railway tracks. I've never really known why. And I think I had an epiphany on why railway tracks (perhaps) mean so much to me apart from the metaphorical (and literal) parallels one can draw from their existence and significance.

These tracks are entwined in my story. They are more than what their rusted entity has become today. They signify that part of my life which have not many semblances or pictorial representations - my childhood. My childhood evenings, to be precise. These are the long outdated and unused tracks that run at the periphery of CV Raman Nagar, Bangalore.

These tracks are where we spent many an evening; my brother, paternal cousin sister (may her soul rest in peace) and me. These tracks are where we tried all our balancing acts while walking the length of the line, only to topple over either by our being novices at balancing or by the distant and thunderous vibrations we'd learnt to distinguish as an oncoming train. These tracks remind me of the lazy summer evenings we'd dream of after school; walks that always gave us such a sense of adventure and wonder, mostly because walks on the line were forbidden and because we had such a beautifully characteristic imagination, like all children do. 

These tracks also brought me face-to-face with how instinctual and protective I am of my brother. I remember us facing our biggest challenge ever of crossing the road to get to the tracks, a road which had traffic of the late 80s/early 90s - the occasional auto, car and tempo. And it was on one such evening that my brother tripped and fell on the road while we 3 were crossing it. I don't know how or when but my sister and I were immediately on guard, shielding him from an oncoming tempo, flailing our arms for the driver to stop while my brother gathered himself up. I don't remember the rest of the evening because it wasn't important enough to remember. It made me reinforce what an elder sibling feels for their younger one. It still does. And yes, it's a big deal for me not because it was something courageous we did but because it made me realize that age can never really come in the way of protecting the one you love. In fact, nothing ever can. And it was quite deep and binding.

These tracks also remind me of Saturday mornings spent with ma and Sam. Ma had just learnt of my brother's and my myopia problems and believed that walking barefoot on dewy grass early in the morning would help. So we would walk hand in hand, on the cold dewy grass along the railway line till we could wait no longer to rush back home and grab the latest edition of Chandamama the newspaper man had just dropped by. 

That's what this line signifies to me. And I finally got the chance to walk up and show it to you. I lived further down, things have changed drastically, I've come a long way, but the view from where I stand today hasn't changed.

Random

I've been meaning to blog, write and talk to you, for a while now. It's just that work and an awry tummy had the better of me. So, I'm back now - better and more alive =)


It's not like I have a post charted out in my head at the moment. I did have one on Saturday, but more on that later. I think this post feels more like its a real-time conversation I'm having with you than being just a piece of writing...


Over the week, I came to realize that I'm Monica Geller. And I'm sort of gleeful about it, and unabashedly so. *grin* I first thought it was about my need to be OCDish about a lot of things. Then I thought it was about my love for gluttony. Then I thought it was about the kind of person I am - dominating, strong personality-type, you know... Then I thought it was about the fact that I can actually cook and bake and eat and differentiate tastes (sometimes) and well, you get the drift. Then I thought it was about the complete lack of modesty! Turns out, the person I've been speaking about all along was not me, but this random and awesome character from FRIENDS named Monica Geller. In my body. With the same madness. At probably the same intensity. Maybe.


It sort of sealed the deal yesterday when I told a friend I preferred the way I made Eggs Menage a Trois as opposed to what we got at The Egg Factory. I just got stared at, but I stand firm on my belief. And yes, the original dish I had there is what originally melted my heart like butter on a Sunday morning, but today, it just doesn't taste as great.


Anyway, moving on to more important things, I was extremely overwhelmed thanks to the following:


- Having the brother (yes, you read that right, the brother!) volunteer to whisk around the yummy stuff I make to a)market, b)publicize and c) sell, all in a wheelbarrow. The idea sounds so awwwwwww and happy and family-ish. 


- Having a friend initiate me to start thinking about starting a small venture of my own, food-wise. My jaw dropped, I got freaked out and cooked some more for her. And then she asked me questions I still don't have the answers for. And what's even more freaky is that she meant business.


- Having readers and friends tell me to go head-on into food, cooking, documenting, food photography and the like. And to hear them say they'd be first in line to get what I put on the table.


- Having a friend tell me he'd invest if I ever plan to start up. I'm still woah-ing about it. 


See? How can I not be overwhelmed by the above? It really makes me think and wonder. And it scares the beegees out of me. And I eventually end up shutting that tiny window that's making this buzz louder. 


I don't know where I am and what I'm meant to be doing. I know there's a lot brewing in me like I've mentioned previously. Let's just see where things take me. I'm a baby in a world full of adults and it can be a tad too scary. Like I said, I don't know what's happening, but to hear all these things just reinforces the fact that there are people, albeit a small group, who really really really do believe in me. And the small group doesn't matter at the end of the day because those who believe are those whom I can count on for believing in me, and more.


*sigh*

Signs and Reminders

I have this super urgent, super strong power/need/want/desire to get up and do something...to do something that takes my breath away. And in the midst of such a power/needs/wants and desires, I come across inspiration I never thought or expected I would. I find it in other people, in words, in thoughts, in photographs, in shared experiences, in poetry, in cooking...I find it everywhere. And I cannot get over the fact that these are more than just chapters of inspiring stories but signs of moments I need to take on and make mine. It's like my world is being force-fed with signs...signs that this life is more than the regular routine I follow.


Today, the ideals I had a few years (and months) back seem to breaking away. I can't be sure if this is another burst of inspiration that's taken over me yet again or if this is something that's sure shot. 


Suddenly the world of boundaries seems pointless. The cozy future I imagined for myself seems inconsequential. The must-dos don't make sense and have started dissipating. I don't feel compelled to write those exams my otherwise logical and rational side would want me to write. I don't want to think about relationships. Or marriage. Or finding a life partner. Or pleasing people. Or staying put within the limits of my 4 walls.


I'm not a thrill seeker, neither am I an adventurist. I'm someone who loves her comfort zone, her safety, and her routine. I would panic if I didn't have any semblance of order in my functioning. However, it's not like this new found need to break away and fly by implies a breaking away from this aforementioned control/routine. I will still have all that. 


What's amazing is that this new need isn't scary or out of place. It feels right. It fits. I don't have conflicting thoughts in my head that make me question what the hell I'm thinking or talking about. Or maybe it's just that I'm growing up to let go and not be clingy about the things I or the world around me consider to be important. Priorities change. Perspectives widen. Life happens.


I don't think I could spend my life feeling caged by own thoughts and wishes. I don't think I could wait for someone else to walk by and make my life feel complete either. I don't think exams will give me what my soul desires...I don't think my life would mean half as much if I didn't get up and give things a try. 


I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. All I can say is that it feels exciting, it feels great, it feels like someone opened a door in front of my face! I'm inspired, I'm absorbed, I've been taken over by something that isn't just a whim...I hope to know where all this stems from, someday. Till then I'll make do with the fact that my heart, mind, imagination and soul are in unison. I think that's awesome, because I feel awesome.


PS> For starters, I've started my own page on Facebook called Babska - do drop by sometime! =)

Love, Life, Poetry

Because I'm a sucker for words that mean something; everything. Because words give me a voice to express. Because so much would be held captive inside if words weren't the key. And because words put together hold more weight than I can carry; alone.





I


"Pighle neelam sa behta hua ye sama,
neeli neeli si khamoshiyan,
na kahin hai zameen na kahin aasmaan,
sarsaraati hui tehniyaan, pattiyaan,
keh raheen hai bas ek tum ho yahan,
sirf main hoon,
meri saansein hain aur meri dhadkanein,
aisi gehraiyaan, aisi tanhaiyaan,
aur main… sirf main.Apne hone pe mujhko yakeen aa gaya."


II


"Ik baat honton tak hai jo aayi nahin

Bas ankhon say hai jhaankti
Tumse kabhi, mujhse kabhi
Kuch lafz hain woh maangti
Jinko pehanke honton tak aa jaaye woh
Aawaaz ki baahon mein baahein daalke ithlaye woh
Lekin jo yeh ik baat hai
Ahsas hi ahsas hai

Khushboo si hai jaise hawa mein tairti
Khushboo jo be-aawaaz hai
Jiska pata tumko bhi hai
Jiski khabar mujhko bhi hai
Duniya se bhi chupta nahin
Yeh jaane kaisa raaz hai."

III


"Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya

Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya
Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya

Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai?
Duniya mein yunhi hota hai

Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain
Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aag teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai
Kyun tu aise pal khota hai
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai."

IV

"Dilon me tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho, to zinda ho tum

Nazar me khwaabon ki bijliyan leke chal rahe ho, to zinda ho tum
Hwa ke jhokon ke jaise aazad rehna sekho
Tum ek dariya ke jaise lehron mein behna sekho
Har ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein
Har ek pal ek nya sama dekhe ye nigahein
Jo apni ankhon mein hairanian leke chal rahe ho, to zinda ho tumDilon mein tum apni betabian leke chal rahe ho, to zinda ho tum"

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Because they say everything I need to say. And I don't speak a word.

Growing Up

It's not like I decided to grow up. It just happens and sometimes it's not even in our control. I realized that the damage has been done irrevocably because today, I attend to things I never really attended to before.


Today, I'm concerned about what Pranab Mukherjee unfolded from his infamous briefcase at the parliament. I actually know that the prices of ACs, SUVs, service charges and other commodities have gone up. And no, I did not google these facts and paste them here. I actually do know. I know that the tax bar has risen. I know that those who earn anywhere between 2-4 lakhs per annum will pay the same amount of tax irrespective of the fact that the latter earns twice as more than the former. I know that the amount we put in as our PF has reduced to 8% (if I'm not mistaken) and that we will get more in hand. I know that the rail fares are going to increase anywhere between 2 paise to 30 paise depending on the kinds of coaches we travel in and the distances we travel across. I know that Dinesh Trivedi, the ex-Railway Minister had to resign because of his proposal, thanks to Mamta Banerjee.


Today, I know that Mayawati is not the chief minister of my home state and that her opponent's son, Akhilesh Yadav is all set to take the reins, and has. I know that Rahul Gandhi's charm and anglicized Hindi didn't do the trick, neither did his reform proposals, nor his mother's so called iron-hold. 


It's not like I've struck a new-found interest in politics all of a sudden. I'm horrible with my GK and my disinterest in who did what to the other, and how, has not changed. What has however changed are my priorities. It matters. Suddenly. It wasn't even like I was looking forward to the yearly budget with bated breath, forget the UP elections.


I realize that I'm not at the same place anymore. I'm at a place where all these decisions do impact me, whether I like it or not. I do have to pay my tax, and more. I do live in a hugely inflated economy. I contribute to this economy. I am a part of it. Like I said, it's not like I'm directly or voluntarily involved, but one can't escape this vortex we call reforms.


It's not even like all this was forced down my throat. Things happen, perspectives broaden, priorities change... after all, who'd have ever thunk that I'd write a post on something like this? Not me. 


Growing up. I can't wait to see what I care about next.

Philosophies and Days

There are days and then there are Days. Yes, we have 365 X the years we live, days. And we have an equivalent ratio of Days in our life as well. We have a Mother's Day, Father's Day, Children's Day, Women's Day, Hug Day, Chocolate Day, AIDS Day, Independence Day; you name it and we've got it. And perhaps there are Days that are 2 or 3-in-1 - A combination of a myriad kind of Days. And more.


And then there are philosophies that surround these Days. I don't know why or how or when or where someone sitting joblessly in this world conjured up a reason to celebrate or commemorate events on these Days. But so be it. They exist, have been existing for a while now and will continue to exist till their time's up. 


Yesterday, we know, was Women's Day. Of course we had every place adorned in ways that made it very clear it was indeed Women's Day. Special emails at work made rounds, women were given roses, there were celebrations, we even wore pink unknowingly and of course Facebook was flooded with mother/daughter/wife/women's messages. 


The context of my post lies in these messages my Homepage got spammed with yesterday. Thanks to the cliched pro and anti Women's Day messages, it was a no-brainer to figure out what whose sentiments were. It sort of made me think. Yes, we all have opinions and hell yeah do we have the right to express them as and when we wish to. However, it got me thinking.


There's a whole bunch of women (and men) out there who went overboard by either embracing the Day or dissing it altogether. I wonder what's the big deal in getting so worked up about such a thing. It doesn't take much to figure that if something really gets you riled up, it's something that affects you deeper than you'd like to believe. So stop with the nonchalance you proclaim already. 


Yes we are women. Yes we're God-awesome. Yes we're multi-talented. Yes, we're loving, caring, homely, ambitious and all that. We're people. We're meant to be that way. We're not some hybrid species that stereotypes make us to be. We do our bit and move. We're also a major pain in the ass. Ask those who have cranky women for bosses (not that men aren't, but that's a different story). All I'm saying is that we're this and we're that as well. Women are not what one would call your "sati savitris", so stop with putting us on a pedestal. On this one Day especially. Let there be a sense of equality, a sense of live and let live, a sense of gratitude to both sexes...because God help me, I cannot and am not and will not be a feminist. Attribute that to my upbringing if you may, but that's where I come from.


Yes, I've not seen the world. But I know for a fact that one's approach to life lies in the attitude one has. I cannot say I hate women or men, and I don't. I cannot say that men are bad and women are good, and I won't. I cannot live my life thinking one is better than the other, because I'll never know and isn't something I even want to know. I think it matters. 


I think it matters to know where to draw the line.
It matters to realize the difference between genuine appreciation and patronization (if that's even a word!)
It matters to get equality, yes. But it also matters to stand up and embrace the moment. Otherwise it just looks like you're the wet blanket who sits in the corner of a party and sulks.


Like I said, I don't know why these Days were created. And I wonder if there was a need to. I'm sure the world thinks something of them because the world celebrates them. If we're going to sit in a corner and be petty about why women need to be celebrated, then that's a choice one is making and so be it. My post may come across as a mixed bag, but that's how it is. I prefer not having a stand because frankly speaking, it's not the Day but my attitude towards the cause of this Day that matters. 


So yes, I'm a woman. I didn't go out of my way to celebrate this Day, in fact I did nothing to celebrate it. But I didn't go gung-ho on making a big deal of it and getting all aggressive about it. (If you claim it isn't a big deal, then stop making it a big deal for starters.) I however did change my status message on Facebook to remember, acknowledge and appreciate the women in my life. Yes they don't need one particular day to be remembered, acknowledged and appreciated, but since we've got a Day to our name, I gave them the space they deserve, the thoughts they deserve, the love they deserve. I'm just being grown up about it, taking it in my stride and moving on - because like I said, my attitude is all that matters and I'm not one to sit in the corner at a party and sulk.


I'll go out there and dance. And if I'd have my way, I'd dance with all the women in my life on this one Day and on every other day. 

I

ये आसूं, इनको न बहने दो 
ये जो मेरी ज़िन्दगी है,
मुझे जीने दो, 
मुझे जीने दो. 


पास आए ये पल जो लेहेरते हुए
इनको ख्वाबों में बट जाने दो,
ज़िन्दगी के
ख्वाबों में बट जाने दो. 


न अकेली में
न अकेले तुम
यह जो हमारे ख्वाब हैं
तैरने दो, इन्हें तुम.


पल हसीं है,
जवानी अमीर है;
इनको न ठेस पहुचाओ.
न रहो अलग तुम
न रहे अलग हम. 

Anythings, Somethings, Everythings

I'm sure we've all met the following people and experienced the following situations.


Me: What do you want to have for lunch?
Other: Anything.


Me: Let's go out somewhere. Where'd you wanna go?
Other: Anywhere, you decide.


Me: Wanna watch a movie? Let's go!
Other: Sure. I'm OK with anything.


Me: Let's eat out, it's been ages!
Other: Yeah let's. You decide.


Me: Do you think this looks good?
Other: Yeah, wear anything.


Me: I wanna go outta town this weekend. Where?
Other: I'm OK with anything da, you decide and plan.


You get the drift, don't you? I'm sure we all have the anythings and somethings and everythings in our life. Sometimes it's a wonderful thing because you have the option to decide, to take charge and to lead the way - which is OK with me because I am the quintessential control freak about many things. 


However, there are so many other times when you wish someone else would take that step forward and actually make a decision. And if you're a planner, like yours truly, then these anythings and somethings and everythings can be quite the task to manage. I think this is what happens either when:


a) you are the dominant one
b) you are the control freak
c) you are the person who takes the lead
d) you are the doer.


If we're any one of the above, then I'm sorry to say that we've created a habit of convenience and lethargy in the other. And that we're being taken for granted.


OR


If all of the above situations happen, then we're too rigid to accept alternatives and we deserve an infinite number of anythings and somethings and everythings in our life. 


OR 


That our decisions rock, suit everyone's needs and that we're cool in general.


Go count them, it may tell us a thing or two about our own self :P

Anger

Anger. It's volatile, severe, crass, crude and debilitating. It's all-encompassing and all-consuming - in that one moment. That one moment which bathes you in a feeling so intense, so absolute, that it's hard to digress or dilute. It's hard to break away unless you've had that release; whatever it may be. I still haven't figured out what my 'typical' release is yet. I seethe, I cry, I scream, I shut down or I wait till the pressure cooker bursts. I still don't know which of these go-tos I can call my own. All I know is that I've reached the pressure cooker stage because every thing seems to set me off. 


And no matter how hard I try to keep the whistle from blowing in anyone's face, it just doesn't work anymore. I can't seem to hold on, to keep my cool, to walk off and sulk it off like I would otherwise do. I'm caught in this situation more than I'd like to be. And it definitely isn't a pleasant sight. It's the after effect of a nasty blow yesterday that left me brooding on my way to work today - how and what can I do to manage my anger?


This perhaps leads me to why I'm actually writing this post on something so personal, so intense, so carnal almost; over here. I had an epiphany of sorts. And it's helping me put a lot of things in perspective. Anger Management. I've studied it, used it, counseled people with it, etc, etc. I remember talking about and practicing a kazillion options - 


Count till 12 
Take deep breaths
Tear paper


The list is endless.


However, like all things theoretical and text-bookish, they come with what I call a user-expiry date. And by that I'm referring to the temporariness of these techniques. They are not the end itself, but a means to getting there. I'm slowly coming to believe that no amount of anger management is going to help unless you figure out why you're angry. These tips help us dilute the volatility of this emotion for the time being. They do not solve or resolve our emotion or the cause of it. Therefore, if you are an angry person, try these tips as much as you like, but they won't change the angry person you are.


I realize this today. I realize I'm an angry person and that I have a short temper to complement it. I don't practice these tips because in that moment when you're seething, the last thing you think about are options to suppress it. I realize I'm at the stage, like I said earlier, where I need my release - whatever it may be. I cannot escape it. I need it out of my system and done with. I cannot take a moment out and think. Rationality defeats the purpose of emotion. 


I've taken the road of silence and tears all this while. No more. And it's precisely these moments that make you stand back and realize what the hell is happening. It's when you're down in the dumps that you realize you need to get the hell up and keep walking. It's when you're left with your raw, bare emotion that you realize what the hell you're going through. And it's exactly these moments that bring you back, that make you wake up and take a good look at yourself. 


Throw the damn tips outta the window. Feel the emotion. It'll be the biggest wake up call you could ever have. 

Trance

I'm a trance junkie. I believe in this sort of music, which half of the "more refined connoisseurs of music" would discard, dismiss and trash in a second. I, however, lurve this sort of music. But I must say that I do not enjoy all kinds of trance and am quite picky about the artistes and DJs I listen to. Music is such an art - it has enough room for the world and more. And everyone's got a space they can call theirs - an experience they can truly connect with. 


Why do I love trance? I think I've mentioned this many a time on both my posts here and on Facebook. I love that there's a kind of energy in this music that I haven't ever felt before. And because a lot of this music is free-flowing and doesn't allow for many lyrics, it gives me, the listener, a chance to engage with it at my own level - with whatever mood I am in. So I don't necessarily need to hunt for a track that'll cater to my mood - anything'll do. It works pretty darn well for the Nigela Lawson traits I see in myself. :) And if there are lyrics, I do not know where these DJs source the singers from because they just have THE most enigmatic voices that cushion you all around and make you sink in deeper into the music. 


And as is the case with trance music, they're chunked out in massive 1-2 hour episodes at a stretch, especially from the artistes I enjoy engaging with. These episodes are, to very crudely put it, an amazing mash-up of tracks by various artistes. Therefore there have been innumerable instances when I've come across a track 1 hour into the show only to never learn its name or artiste. It's perhaps the most painful part of trance music. And since you're so caught up with the music, seemingly living in an alternate universe, you tend to miss out on these small nitty-gritties. You let it go, enjoy the music and well, get lost again.


Until you're sitting at work one very fine day, chilling out on YouTube only to arrive at that one song whose name you've been hunting for ever! Such is a life lived with music. It sweeps you away - and into such a happy land filled with peace. Nothing more. Nothing less. 


I first came across this track on my way to Mangalore, staring out into the black nothingness of a train window, 2 years back. The mash-up didn't have artiste introductions. I let it be. I looped it a kazillion times that night and it became my Mangalore train track. It fit. The speed of the train, the time of the day and the tempo of the track matched. The cold January breeze, fit. The thundering of the train, fit. And then I came across the same track today - the original version. And I must share it with you.





And this is another version of the same - a club mix.





THIS is the closest version to the mash-up I first encountered 2 years back =)





We get no prizes for guessing what's gonna be looped on Babska's playlist today =) Have yourselves a lovely day!