Bookmarks

Memories. I re-live because of them, I live for them, I learn from them, I thrive in them. My life revolves around them. They're my means to an end more often than I care to admit. They're my bookmarks - colourful, personalized and with different messages that open up to pages of my book - which I go back and forth to. They're an oscillation that's amazingly dizzying; the only encyclopedia I care to refer to and know at the back if my hand; the only journal that's really truly mine no matter who features in it.


I've always found myself going back to photographs. There's something about photographs that makes me connect, that takes me to a place that's only mine - whether it's a revisit or not. I associate with them. I love gazing at photographs, they take me to memories I've created - like resplendent keys that magically open doors that sometimes lay hidden, forgotten. 


It's the same with music. I realized today, that the only thing I perhaps connect with at so many levels, is music. It gives me a high like nothing else can, it let's me hover around places I want to and then takes me away when it's the right time to. It also catches me off-guard, like old tissue-paper notes I probably kept safely away. The creases, sinews and crinkles remain as words and messages from another time lay embedded within. It's warm. It's the only thing that lets me go. And if you've spent enough time with me, you'd know I'm not really around when I'm tuned in - paradoxical, yet true. 


And somewhere, the three of them - music, photographs and memories - interconnect, meet and have grown to hang out with each other. Therefore I find myself living to create memories. Every experience I have has got to be memorable, and effortlessly so. The weaves of friends, family, experiences, growing up and my own self blend in to make them so vibrant, so distinct, so mine. Which is perhaps why I fall back so much on them.


At the end of the day, that's what everything boils down to - memories. And what we have are marvelously stacked racks of memoirs; encyclopedias that are bursting at their seams with pictures, music and bookmarks of all shapes, colours and sizes; bookmarks that even age and time can't weather.

Updates

It's been a while since I wrote wrote. As is (very) evident, my blog has been massive-attacked by poetry. Well, sometimes phases happen and all the mind seems to produce are strings of words that I've posted and published here. I thought I owe you an explanation of sorts before a snowball-like situation happens. Here are some updates I would like to share with you, just to keep you, well, updated.


The past few weeks have been amazing - they've kept me on my toes, made me feel a sense of restlessness I've never felt and have made me want to get up and do something brand new.  And I'm working on it. You'll learn about that soon enough. 


There's been a sense of inspiration through and through, infectious enough to keep me going, strong enough to help me tide over weeks of stress and emerge energized and smiling. It's all good and in due time, you'll know.


The past few weeks have also given my prose a bashing it has perhaps never received. Ever! Couple that with this so called inspiration and I've seen myself throw books, music and even work aside as these aforementioned strings of words conjured themselves up from nowhere to become the posts they did. It's like my thoughts refused to take any other shape than that of random poetry. You've gotta give way sometimes, and give way I did. So yes, even though they do paint a rather sad, gloomy and whatever-it-is-you-wanna-call-it picture, they aren't entirely autobiographical, just to soothe those queries and questions that have arisen post reading them. =)


I've had my share of "social networking" for the time being. I've quit Facebook many a time only to return because my blog posts are linked to it. However, I would like to make it known that this is about to change - that I would like to quit fb for longer than a week minus any obligations which also means that there will be no blog updates on fb hereon. So dear readers, I'm logging off and here's really where you can catch me, interact with me and converse with me. Leave me an email / message / comment and I will get back to you.


The previous point leads me the larger picture that I've started this new year with - the need for me to snip snip snip. I'm doing away with all the irrelevant, the unnecessary and the unwanted. I've some serious weight to shed with some serious baggage I wanna throw into the sea and this is the only way I deem fit for me to get to where I want to. The cleaning drive has already started, and it feels super =) give it a try sometime, it's food your soul craves but is too shy to ask for. There's no place for rusty junk anymore, it's serious detox time. I feel good just reading this!


Lastly, there are a few things I have up my sleeve which involve you, me and my blog here. They're still 'under construction', being mapped and charted out...but I can tell you that it's going to be super fun and that I cannot wait to share more with you as and when. So do watch out. And contribute. It matters more than you think it does. =)


Till then, I'm signing off with the hope that 


a) the poetry gives some way to prose at least
b) the inspiration continues and rubs off on you as well
c) I'll log off Facebook for longer than a week
d) I'll see you here more instead
e) I'll detox like I've never detoxed and that you'll give it a try as well
f) these new developments happen asap and that the they'll be God-awesome =)


Have yourselves a super week! =)

I write

I write not because you read these words (or not)
but because these words make me feel better.


I write not because I'm gifted with words
but because speech is that much harder to come out.


I write not because my words are seen
but because they're felt, and perhaps
understood.


I write not only because I'm talking to you
but because I'm talking to myself too.


I write not only because you get what I'm saying
but because somewhere deep down inside
it's the best that I can do.


I write not because you read these words (or not)
but because it's all I have to give to you.

III

Tonight you'll be a bit distant;
more than I'd like you to be.
Tomorrow you'll be farther away
because I'm setting you free.


Tonight I'm going to watch you leave
before I change my mind.
Tonight I'm going to let you be
because, letting go of you is the best,
I believe.


Walk away from me not just for now,
but for all the tomorrows and days after,
please.
For you've been nothing more to me 
than lingering thoughts and a God-awesome
tease.

Your Girl

You show up without my knowing it, 
or without my looking for you.
You turn up in the lyrics of songs
the second I tune in and switch on.
I find you in conversations I never expected to have
or in words that come out of nowhere. 
You're everywhere around me - in books,
in tv shows, in stars, in people's eyes, 
you're everywhere I turn but never
concrete enough.
I know you exist and make your presence felt
but never enough for me to touch
and hold on to for surety. 


So when you glide shooting stars past me
or have names written behind vehicles 
or throw telepathic moments at me
or even whirl me through coincidences
you're sure that I'm yours.


You're sure I'm a sign girl. =)

II

I know you by your eyes
and the way they look at me - 
deep, black, enigmatic.
I understand you by your silence
and the way it talks to me - 
peaceful, calm, pregnant.
I relish you by your laughter
and the way it envelops just me - 
naughty, happy, secretive.


There's so much to say
and yet silence has spoken so far.
There's so much to see
and the darkness we've shared 
has shown us through.
There's so much to understand
which your fingers laced in mine
have sealed tightly within.


Let go.
Open that door.

I

I don't think I love you,
as much as I love the thought of you.


The way your lips move;
your mouth turning into a coy smile
when you look at me.
And I pretending to look through that,
smiling deeply within.
My kinda' coy
because you looked at me.
You looked at me.


I love your grasp,
as the warmth of your hands take over
from somewhere within.
You hold on, because you know.
And I smile
because I have you
if only by your grasp.


Your eyes allow me to 
dive deep down inside
and surge right up;
breathless.
And I dive in for more.
And more.
Because we swim together,
somewhere only we know.


I love only the thought of you
because that's all we know.
And if you'll have me,
just walk up and open that door.


Open that door.

Marriage, it seems.

The purpose of getting married is not just to have babies and prove to the world of relatives and other inconsequential people that "everything is fine". Yes, I believe that to be one major role that marriage plays, but not the only one. And being a non-member, an outsider to the world of matrimony, I can only imagine what married couples go through - especially the ones who wish to enjoy the first (few) years of their married life with just each other. It astounds me when couples are pregnant months after their wedding, unless of course they wanted to have children immediately. 

There are couples who want to have children but space it out.

There are couples who never want to have children, and with such a steely resolve that it makes me wonder why.

There are couples who get pregnant at the word go!

There are those who try and try.

There are couples who need a distraction, which they sadly believe comes in the form of children.

There are so many kinds of couples - I've probably just touched the tip of the iceberg here.

I'm at that phase of life where marriage looms large, where finding a life partner is of prime importance and where the need to "settle down" is sacrosanct almost. So it's but natural for me to think of all this and ponder about this entire marriage thing. Like I said, I'm an outsider to it all while there are friends around me who've taken the plunge and have also started a family. God bless them.

To me the concept of marriage is something like opening a new book. Yes, I know it will have a title, I know it will have as many pages as I would want it to have, that I would co-author it the way I would want to and fill my pages with the words I choose to write. And yes, there would also be chapters, pauses, new paragraphs, blurred words (thanks to printing mistakes), a plot, many characters and of course, it would also have an end - a happily ever after one I hope. That's all I know about the concept of marriage, that it's an unexplored concept which only time will grant me the liberty of exploring. Therefore I make my observations from external sources and whatever little I've read. 

When I think of such a life-defining concept, I can only think of one thing - welcoming and understanding the other person my life is going to be a part of. I can only think of getting to know him better, for starters. And this is where the heart of my post lies. How much of the other do we really get to know when all one associates with marriage is having babies?

I think we forget that we're human beings who have needs, thoughts and feelings. We get into the rut of first becoming baby-producing machines and then of becoming parents. We forget that we are a couple, that we were a couple first and then anything else. Of course life's chapters change priorities, but somewhere down the line, we forget about the 'couple' bit. We're so focused on goals and achievements all the time that we miss everything else in between. 

Sex.

We lose sight of the fact that sex is more than just for having to reproduce. We're blessed with having sex for pleasure over and above every other living organism that exists. And yet we miss that out somewhere...it's interesting to note. I'm sure every woman has a way in which she likes to be touched, held and made love to despite the "obvious" that theory and porn videos (apparently) state. I'm sure every man has a way in which he likes to be perceived, touched and made love with despite what stereotypes have to say. We've all got nooks and crannies that matter and that can be found only through communication - verbal and non-verbal. We've all got so much more to ourselves than any baby-producing machine can ever have. We've got it all. And I write this post because I see so many unhappy people around me who've missed the point by a large mark. We're so keen on what next that the what now remains untouched, unexplored and dormant. 

The same holds good for getting to know each other emotionally and mentally as well. It makes me wonder how deep marriages really are and if we ever give ourselves the priority we so need. Especially for those who've spent so much of their time hoping and dreaming for the best.

Financial Times

The year at work has started off with reminders from the financial department to submit taxation paperwork. And there have been numerous "gentle reminders". But, I being me, noticed these after the week's break when submissions were nearing their due date.


We're officially in the last quarter of our financial year and it's begun with a flurry of mails and other financial nitty-gritties that just don't catch my attention, forget fancy. I've to think about what I've earned, how much I've earned, how much the government will suck out of my meager earnings and what not. Let's just forget how many auxiliary (and more important) thoughts have passed me by in the process; thoughts such as where the heck all my money went, why I've begun the new year and the last quarter being broke and what I can do to make that fast dying money tree more luscious and yielding. Let's also forget how depressing these thoughts make me feel. 


I don't care for gentle reminders. I'm too lax to care about the paperwork for I have an entire financial department - the biggest being ma and her advisors - that will anyway get all this done (at the cost of sounding conceited and nonchalant - but like I said - me no care). And the deadline was today. And I've left the last of my so-called investment bills to help me evade IT deductions at home. And that the drop-boxes lying all over the bay have left minus my "droppings" in them. So yes, that should be testimony enough to what I've been saying.


All that I've learnt from this entire mental ruffling is:


I've busted more cash than I can imagine


I don't know where it all went


That I managed to save more when I was earning way lesser than what I am today and still live a decent life (I even went clubbing at least twice every month back then, which is not the case anymore)


That I'm ok paying whatever income tax I'm liable to pay by law rather than scramble around paperwork that flies right over my head yet


That I've learnt a certain A and (maybe a) B about taxation. Who'd have thought that women are liable to be taxed 10% on additional earnings above 1.9 lakhs annually? And that concepts like tax brackets exist?


That it's high time I woke up, smelt the money and stopped being ignorant!

The only defense I have is that I live in Bangalore where nothing is cost-effective.
And that I've made 12 trips to different parts of the country this year, via various means of (quite expensive) transport.


And that mayyyyyybeeeeeee I have expensive tastes. 


And I'm the official accountant when we travel. Some things in life have no explanations. 


*sigh*

Escape

It's the one thing that is so easy to do. Shut shop. Say okthanksbye. Leave. Cut off. Vanish. Disappear. Ignore. Delete. Forget. Run over. Deny. Pretend. Unfriend. Block. The list is endless, why? Because it's easier done than said. Or felt. It's a massive part of our life - knowingly and unknowingly. It's our ever-handy troubleshoot option. It's our saviour. It's our breath of fresh air, most often. It's what makes us feel sane more often than not. 


It's something I fall back on as well. I just did in fact - I cut people off, block people whose faces I don't ever want to see again, delete lists, unfriend a whole bunch who don't really make a difference to me - you know the routine. And I've never felt happier holding a pair of scissors like this one, for the moment at least. 


However, there's a constant state of temporariness to this entire escape concept. I've studied it in theory and seen it in reality - all that escape does is provide temporary relief. Why? Because all we've done is remove the unnecessary from our life - in an instant. What we haven't done is deal with the shit and remove ourselves from the unnecessary. We're still holding on in some way. We're still stuck and clinging on in thought and feelings, whether we like it or not, whether it's conscious or not. We're still where we were trying to run away from. 


Which is almost always why we're haunted by the things we snip away from us. The more we try and run away, the more we're stuck; and it's a quicksand situation that's annoying to get out of. 


So yes, while I've blocked, unfriended and snipped the unnecessary away from me, I realize there's more to it than just the physical act. And that's the something huge I'm working towards - to not escape but to stand wherever I want to, look the shit in its eye and not give a rat's ass about it. 

Magic

Let me paint a picture for you. Forgive me if it doesn't live up to its reality.


A black, calm sea in front.
Dotted ships that look like floating lanterns suspended in the horizon.
Silhouetted mountains behind.
Cold sand underneath.
Stardust above.
An empty beach.
A lone bonfire at the far end.
Silence.
Shooting stars.
Constellations.
Stationary planets.
Easy conversations.
Silence.
Looking out into the horizon.
Switched off mobile phones kept far away.
Thoughts.
Dreams.
Whispers.
Cigarettes. 
Laughter.
Friends.
Quietude.


I don't think anything can come close to this. 


Sometimes ALL one needs is 
a moment of disconnection to connect, 
a moment of letting go to get, 
a moment of silence to listen, 
a moment of no words to read, 
a moment of doing nothing to get everything.


Thank you 2011 for giving me a taste of magic after so many years.

2011

2011's been a funny year. It's been a year of many ups and an equal number of downs. It's been a year of exploration, confrontation, hurt, deceit, new paths discovered and lots of learning...one where a maturation process of sorts took place... 

This year has been one of such dichotomies...I cannot label it as one that was epic. It was however, one that took my breath away - in every sort of way. And today, as I sit here typing this post that has taken so many forms in my head over the past few months, I know it's been massive. And I can't pinpoint where all these months flew away to, never to come back. It's a great thing, except it gets hard to keep up with this pace sometimes. Perhaps that's how I've been feeling as time gushed by all this while. Perhaps that's why I've been so silent even though my mind's been bursting at its seams. There's so much that has happened and there's so much to say...

It's the year I quit something I never thought would be my cup of tea but which turned out to be soul-stirring - teaching. I quit with a purpose and even though the path I walk on today has altered considerably, the purpose still remains the same. Teaching, like I've said so many times before, was my way of giving back to the world. Being spiritual in more ways than one, this was my way of doing my bit - for the love of knowledge, life and learning. And that isn't changing any time soon.

2011 has been the year of travel. I've packed my bags and headed out as much as I possibly could. I've made plans, been impulsive, have taken off and my soul feels well fed. There have been trips to Kolkata, Patna, Nalanda and Rajgir. And then there have been encore trips to Goa and Wayanad - with friends and family. It's like I've finally sprouted those wings I've been craving to have. There's this sense of contentment when I look back and realize I've made 12 trips this entire year - it's a first, and I cannot explain how I feel. 

Kolkata = childhood summers, nights spent over crisp piano notes that hung heavy in its humidity while stories, conversations, fights, board games and laughter drifted through these years gone by. Today, the piano waits to be touched but is photographed instead. And there are a lot more photo frames and emptier rooms today. As I soaked in my time here, it hit home that we've grown up and left for good, in more ways than one. And yet the memories are so overpowering that there's no space for melancholy, just smiles that linger on over long distance conversations.

I had my 1st train journey alone this year, which is a big deal for me for I despise traveling alone. I guess there's a time for everything, and if there isn't, then you've just got to hold your breath and take the plunge!

I have to mention my stay in Patna not because of the special treatment family ensures you with but because of a few things that stuck with me. Life with this power couple can be so easy and yet, in the face of such immeasurable luxury, I've been surrounded with humility like I've never seen. It's been a refreshing change and one that I will always cherish simply because they're on a different level altogether. And I cannot stop brimming with pride - not just because they're family but because they've set an example that I can only hope to follow in my life someday.

Couple that with my trip to Nalanda and Rajgir and I have just one word - EPIC!

Nalanda University - Ruins

Rajgir

And continuing along the travel paradigm, here's how the rest of the year panned out

That would be Round 1 of Goa with family...that's my grandmum on a long walk we took, hand in hand, to/at the beach. Her first time at sea, the first time she ever let me hold her hand and guide her, the first time we realized in quietude that some roles have come of age and need to be reversed...and how precious and fleeting life is. We had a blast - fish, crabs, other smelly things and all. =)

2 trips to Goa with friends - Mind-blowing! 

That would be 3 separate trips to my soul place - Wayanad. Again a first for my grandmum who hasn't seen Kerala, ever. Humbling.

Gokarna deserves a separate post altogether. The only word that comes to my mind when I think of Gokarna is mesmerizing. And I feel grateful for being a part of that experience. I thought I would seal my year with this trip to Gokarna, but a surprise trip to Goa seemed to seal the deal. Again, that would require another post simply because what it meant to me wouldn't get its justice here. When I look back at my travels, I feel bloody lucky and I can't help thinking about how marvelously pretty and unexplored India still is to me. 

2011 has been EPIC on a deeper, more personal front because Ma went ahead and bought this. To be able to say that we have a home of our own, our small little abode, is something else altogether. It is, what I consider to be one of Ma's massive-est accomplishments and again, the pride doesn't stop. And it has absolutely no reason to.

Lastly, it's been a year of weddings as we've watched friends take the plunge - another overwhelming reality check!

It's a year that taught me so much about myself and the world around me. It was one of those years that showed me what the world is truly made up of...and I write these words with nothing but a sense of ease; with a flow that comes naturally minus any disgust, anger, pain or vengeance. I guess the maturation did its job well. It's been a time of standing, falling, getting up, learning, balancing, doing, undoing, working, traveling, partying, worrying, loving and most importantly, it's been a year of some God-awesome living!

All photographs are courtesy: Babushka.