I'm listening to John Mayer at the loudest volume possible as the sun sets for the last time this year. 
I'm brimming with thoughts as words flow outta my fingers as a party awaits later on.


It's a curtain fall on 2010. It's a curtain fall on that much awaited millenium's decade. And man has A LOT happened.


2010.


It's been a fucking awesome year.
It's been an overwhelming year for more reasons than one.
I've learnt so much about myself in the process.
I worked at a deaddiction center which I NEVER thought I would ever do.
I saw a friend die.
I got myself pets.
I topped and won a gold medal.
I started teaching.
I started a new venture along with a few friends.
I started baking.
I broke up.
I made new friends in my classmates after my course was over.
I had a crush after so long.
I did my dissertation on photography and therapy.
I traveled.
I partied.
I made the shift of becoming my teachers' colleague. Which is still very weird.
I saw the ups and downs of a relationship very dear to my heart. Today, the relationship is in tatters but we're in a much better place. At least I am.
I saw the engagement of a very very close friend of mine.
I saw that same engagement break.
I saw many friends get married. 5 to be precise.
I missed my father just twice this year.
I saw my brother grow up.
I saw what it takes to parent.
I gave myself oodles of confidence.
I combined music and psychology to teach.
I got a(n) anonymous note(s) from students telling me I'm beautiful. Bah.
I wrote my first ever competitive eligibility exam and my future hangs on that.
Or so others think it to be.
I saw love.
I saw love lost.
I saw elation.
I saw sadness.
I saw tears of joy. Tears of pain.
I felt lonely.
I felt at peace.
I felt anger.
I felt irritation.
I felt loathing.
I felt hatred.
I felt disgust.
I felt confused.


There have been times when I've been surrounded by people who love me and it's been awesome. 
There have also been times when I've felt so frikkin lonely. 
So lonely that it looks like I'm the only bird flying high in the sky. And then I look back and I see my loved ones flying right behind me. And it's not long before we're in formation, just like how it's supposed to be.


Sometimes. Just sometimes.


Times when I've taken a risk.
Times when I've fallen. And so damn hard.
Times when I've cried tears in my own pillow, waking up to those ugly stains only to tell myself that I will not let anyone trip me. Ever again.
Times when I've laughed till my insides burned.
Times when alcohol took over.
Times when everything just stood still.
Times when all I saw around me was hopelessness.
Times when I've been validated for who I am.
Times when I've been loved for who I am and what I do.


Times when an entire class stood up and applauded me.
Times that are so transient you don't know when they'll leave you to come again, if at all.
Times you know are mine and mine only.
Times when people have so much fucking faith in me.
Times when I just can't be.
Times when all I wish for is peace.


It's been an overwhelming year. It's been a year of riches and poverty. It's been a year of hope and love. It's been a year of tears and screams of joy. It's been a year of everyfuckingthing. 


It's been a rollercoaster year. 


Thank you 2010 for being what you've been. I would have you no other way. 


Love you.

Signs of ageing

You know the years are piling on when every frikkin joint in your body (even those whose existence you didn't know of) cracks when you stretch! 


Nice feeling, the crackiness. Not so nice feeling, the signs of ageing.

News

It's funny, this entire news scenario.


Front pages have headlines on soaring and bordering-on-crises vegetable prices (read onions and tomatoes) and somewhere towards the near end, we have tips on how to "beautify" ourselves naturally thanks to tomatoes and onions. 


Talk about tomatoes being astringents. Whatever they're supposed to mean/do.

Quirk 553

Apart from having a thing for musicians, especially drummers, I have this thing for ice-creams on cold days! I lurrrrve them when it rains, when it's cold outside and I lurrrve them at any given time - they're ice-creams for Pete's sake!


So couple them with this and I'm all set :)

Fruit Jackpot, Brownie Fudge Sundae, Hot Chocolate Fudge Regular and Chocolate Ice-cream with Choco Sauce and Nuts

Corner House anyone? :D

I'm just not ready. It's been 10 months and counting and I'm still.just.not.ready.


I guess when there's a difference between those who have a choice and those who don't.


I did have a choice and I chose to stash the memories away. And I know of those who didn't have a choice and who've dealt with their pain. 


Oddly enough, when I was confronted with a tv show earlier tonight on people suffocating and jumping off the twin towers, instead of sitting numbly and absorbing it all in, I walked off. Because I realize I'm just not frikkin ready.


And it was only a few days back that I passed Carlton Towers after what? 10 months and counting.


Akhil. 


I can't seem to reach you and let go. I can't seem to deal with this crap. I can't seem to find my feet in this shit. I can't seem to think of you minus everything else.


I'm just not ready.


Missings. 


I hope you know.


Missings.

Talking about firsts, as many have happened to me this year, I went for a choir concert yesterday. I've always wanted to go for midnight mass and engage in all the festivities that Christmas brings along with it but haven't been able to for various reasons.


And so when I got the opportunity this time around, I made the most of it. It was a different experience altogether, and to usher in anything with music is the best approach ever! During the concert, the choir director, who was also the emcee of sorts, spoke about something that stayed back in my mind; something which is also the basis of this post.


As he aptly put it, we tend to overshadow much of our life with what didn't happen and couldn't be rather than what was and could be. And as he closed the ceremony, he asked us to simply count our blessings to realize that we've more than we could've possibly asked for. That is what stuck by in my mind while I made a mental note to get back home and count my blessings. It seemed tiresome already! I like this approach to life - I love feeling humble, thankful and grateful. Every penny counts in making an experience worth a million bucks! Call me senti if you may, but this is how I approach my life and I love it this way!


Family - thank you for being there and bearing with my quirks and madness. I love you mom and bro and there's no better way to say this. Lots of love and peace.


Joojies - I'm madly in love with the 3 of you. Many squishy hugs and snuggles! And no, you're still not allowed to pee on the sofa! Guinea-pig-teeth smileys! 


Friends - I lurve you for being crazy and keeping me crazy! I'm glad you're the way you are because I wouldn't have you any other way. Now get out the beer and food, quick!


Life, work, madness, I love you! 


I'll see you around! 


Cheers till then!

Sunday Morning

And so as I lay snuggled in bed, under my big warm quilt, I welcomed Sunday with music. Music in my bed. Ooooh yeah! 


I've always known that I have a thing for musicians and I find it difficult to choose, or do I? I also always known that I've had a thing for drummers. Especially drummers. It takes me back to my college days - PU and UG, at MCC, where our time there culminated into our ever famous inter-collegiate annual fest called Cul-ah! And I remember how I used to spend those cold January/February mornings at the basketball court, couched in front of the stage on BOTH the days, from morning to night. One day saw Western Acoustic and the other day saw Western Electric with me immersed in whatever took place on stage barely moving my behind. I remember the harmonies (of which St. Josephs stands out in my head and they always won with Christ a close second!), the screeching with bands of boys walking around in black Korn tee shirts and baggy falling-off-their-butt jeans and of course, their signature hairstyles and facial hair, the nice college compositions, the favourites, the encores, the screams, the applause - I remember them all!


I cannot forget going hoarse-throated during those days, I cannot forget melting into puddles listening to solos and cute guys croon, and most of all, I cannot forget all the drummers and guitarists I drooled over back then!


2 incidents stand out starkly in my memory - one of a female judge performing her ass off for the audience after declaring the results and one of a trio - a flautist, guitarist and drummer jamming it up on stage which brought me to tears. I wish I had a recording of them. I so wish.


So yeah, it doesn't take much to know that I have a thing for drummers especially. I don't know why and I'm not bothered about finding out why either.


And as I lay snuggled in bed, I was taken back to those 'good ol days' and memories of drummers taking me to a different place on those cold wintry mornings under huge trees. Magical. :)


Here's leaving you with a few tracks that woke me up today morning!











and then John Mayer appeared on my playlist.





Perfect.

Acceptance and Admittance

Cruising on airport road :D

This is all it takes to make me go wow/gaga. 


This is ALL it takes.


*sigh*

Times are a-changin'

It shall be known that Christ has had such an influence on me that I now know people apart from AR Rehman in the Tamil music industry (such as Ilayraja) and am hunting for Tamil songs and listening to them on loop even though I understand squat of Tamil!


This one in particular because the music and kick-ass sound system of the auditorium stamped itself in my memory forever...




Times are a-changin! Suggestions for more songs are WELCOME! :)


PS> pardon the video.

2010 - V

If an impulsive decision has been made once, it's understandable; twice, it's still understandable; but in retrospect, if most of your life's decisions are based on the foundations of impulsive thoughts and actions, then you've got another thing going on. And so be my life as well.


After much thinking and careful re-thinking/reflecting I realize that there have been only a handful of choices I have made after much deliberation. So I've clearly sped through these many decision-making years riding high on the impulsiveness factor. Studying at MCC for 5 years, studying at Christ for the next 2, choosing Arts (with History which I loathed) for PUC, choosing PyEC (Mass Comm.) as my UG course, choosing to take a year off, deciding to work and applying for my interview whilst on my way back from Goa, making pit stops for socializing and dating, deciding one random evening to major in psychological counseling for my masters, taking a break after my masters to choosing my present field of work - ALL seem to be based on impulse. I do not even want to think about the less crucial decisions and how impulsive they've been. 


However, I have no regrets. None whatsoever. And I can say that with my eyes closed minus a second glance/thought because one from all these impulses has proven to be one of THE BEST things that could've ever happened to me. 


Teaching. 


I never ever thought I would get into this field and have actively run away from anything close to this field. Which is why when I was offered to think about this field, I immediately discarded the offer in search for more lucrative (or maybe not) pastures. However, one fine morning I found myself on my way back to college, standing at the other side of the line as it were. And there hasn't been any looking back ever since.


I still do question a lot of things and I still see so much more happening in my life apart from just books and teaching for I love too many things too much apart from teaching. I still do not know if this is the profession for me and I'm still unsure about what I really want from life, and I guess that's ok. But having said that, teaching has shown me a side to life I never knew about. And trust me, it's got nothing to do with the authority or the power that comes with this profession.


Teaching = heartfelt emotion to me. There is nothing more pure than the feeling that teaching gives. There is nothing more overwhelming than to know that you've contributed to the bigger picture. There is nothing more exciting than discovering new ways with new people with so much energy around. Teaching is something that has made me love my life a little bit more, and it's a feeling and experience I fathom hard to explain.


I constantly find myself reminiscing and looking back at what was and 2010 has given me so much more than I could've asked for. 2010 has been a year of full circles. 


Full circle A - picking up that dirty 2nd PU textbook and teaching psychology to 2nd PU classes. I adore these students - their innocence, their energy, their enthusiasm, their mischief, their curiosity, their playfulness, their discipline, their creativity, their being. I love them. These 150 odd students take me back to my roots and it's nice to head there once in a while.

HEPP (N) - my PUC class

PPES (O) - my other PUC class

Full circle B - teaching psychology at the UG level to the students who are studying the same course I did, back in UG i.e. PyEC/CEP. This is a class that shows me what a real roller-coaster ride is all about. The ups and downs have shown me just how much there is to do and how much we're still to achieve. This is a journey I've embarked on with my 1st years and I couldn't be more thrilled. And sometimes all it takes to move ahead is the faith they have in you. I love my class. I love how absolutely brilliant they are, how beautiful they are, how annoying they can be, how frikkin talented they are, how responsive they are, how bursting with life they are. I cannot have enough of them. They are one of THE BEST things that have happened to me this year and I feel so damn lucky. 


Sometimes it takes 1 person to know where you can be and sometimes it takes 73 people to know where you need to be.


73 X madness
73 X curiosity
73 X creativity
73 X irritation
73 X love
73 X respect


And that's 73 reassurances, I'd like to believe.

Being crazy mad

One for my blog

One for the road

That's my 73, that's my CEP.


Sometimes life takes you by surprise, 73 at a time :)

2010 - IV

2010 is the year I finished my MSc thesis on photography and psychotherapy which was such a brilliant feeling. And the end result looked and felt so so phenomenal!

2010 is the year I finished my MSc and got a degree in psychological counseling!

2010 is the year in which I became a gold medalist!

2010 is the year in which a bit of history repeated itself for both nana and mamma were gold medalists themselves!

2010 is the year in which I (along with the other gold medalists) led the convocation march to the auditorium amidst cheering parents and relatives.

2010 has been a blessed year. 2010 has been an extremely blessed year, especially academically.

2010 - III

Thanks to the insistence of my brother, this year saw an addition to our family with 2 guinea pigs - Cutlet and Fuzzy Lumpkins. After living pet-less for so long, we got ourselves to the pet store and emerged a bit later with 2 male guinea pigs. Or so we thought. All was well till Fuzzy started putting on weight drastically. What was once my brother's wish to see his guinea pig nice and fat was fast turning into a scare. And that scare only emerged to be more frightful because Fuzzy turned out to be a female. So we figured that the two little ones had gotten to business, and pretty fast at that, for Fuzzy was quickly bloating. 


Anyway, after much fretting from the mother and many I-told-you-so moments later, Pickles and Poppins were born to Fuzzy and Cutlet. Of course, the ever sirely Cutlet was banished from his own cage while Fuzzy spent that alone time tending to her babies. It soon dawned on us that we would have to give the babies away, even if reluctantly so. However, a few days later, we lost Pickles as I saw her close her eyes in front of me. She was buried just next door in a white hanky and is at a better place. 


Given the turn of events, we decided against giving Poppins away for a lone guinea pig for a pet is a pretty cruel thing to do to the animal. After much research, it occurred to us to figure Poppins's sex out because being the animals that they are, sexual maturation arrives at their doorstep within a month after birth. So after much awkward poking, prodding and peeping, much to the embarrassment of Poppins, we discovered him to be a male. 


So Poppins and Cutlet live together while Fuzzy lives next door to them in a separate cage. They are happy, naughty, cheerful and wonderful guinea pigs. Here are some glimpses of life with them.

Fuzzy (L) and Cutlet's (R) first night at home

Cutlet relaxing

Fuzzy and Cutlet's first stay over guest - Hoojoo

Cutlet watching me while I watch tv

Fuzzy and Cutlet's family time

Fuzzy and her newborns

Fuzzy playing mom

Pickles (L) and Poppins (R) first night in the world

Pickles

Poppins

Poppins now, taking a stroll on my laptop

Father (L) and Son (R)

Having a pet is one thing. Making it a part of your family is another. And I couldn't have asked for a better addition. Whilst a doggie is also on the list, I'm making do with these three as they're a handful themselves. It's amazing to see how much joy and love animals can bring about. It's overwhelming to see how much love there really is. It'd been almost a decade and a half since we had a pet, and to get them now brought out a side of me I never thought I had. To care, to love, to give, to be protective, to feed, to nurture, to watch, the learn and so much more is what they brought out in me. I never knew I was capable of such love and I'm glad to see them bring it out of me. 


It's crazy how I can spend hours watching them, playing with them, irritating them, watching tv with them. It's awesome to see how they've grown and had babies of their own. I feel blessed to have them in my life. I don't think a day goes by when I do not think about them and miss them. Traveling becomes hell not because they have no other place to stay but because I miss them so so much. I just cannot have enough of them and have blogged about them here and here as well.


They bring in lots of love, joy, peace and it's a wonderful feeling to have them in my life. And this is a feeling that has no words, this is a feeling that is priceless.


:)

2010 - II

Moving on with the flashbacks and reminiscences of this year that has been, I stumble upon more memories and events. Of course, a highlight of this year has been my initiation into the wedding scenario, as has already been blogged about. This year began with and will end with weddings, which is always a good thing. 


This year has also seen a lot more...some of which have been important, if not crucial facets of my life.


2010 saw me enter the field of counseling psychology from a practice point of view. Therefore, I began the year with practicing, keeping aside the fact that it was practical field work as part of my course's requirement. I counseled school students and spent ample time with them - helping them, teaching them life skills and generally being there. It was a different experience, and it definitely made me love my choice of academics and professional pursuit even more. It couldn't get any better than that.


This year also saw me test my fears and inhibitions for I consciously and actively sought to work at a de-addiction center as part of my internship. Working with drug addicts and alcoholics, all of whom were males was quite an intimidating and daunting experience. But then I got through the day by simply believing in my self and my capabilities. It wasn't as bad as people and my mind made it to be. Of course, being a female staffer at such a place isn't easy. But what's life without a challenge? The place seemed to grow on me and by the time I was comfortable enough, it was time to leave. It has been an interesting experience, and one that I won't forget. 


I realize that it is exactly a situation/choice like this that makes you question where you are at, and what you are doing with life. Of course, being around addicts makes it extremely difficult to exercise whatever one has learnt simply because of the kind of people you are around. This would make more sense to those in my field. With every passing day, the work that lies ahead of you needs quite a bit of unlearning and it makes you wonder if you have learned at all. With every passing day, a little hope gets lost and this experience helped me clarify this conflict. I realize now, that it is not because of who I am, but because of the addict themselves, that hope in general is lost - for most cases at least. And so whatever guilt/regret/remorse/loss of hope you feel for a client who leaves just to relapse the next day, isn't really anyone's fault. 


It's like they always say: Once an addict, always an addict. 


So yes, this field has shown me the ups and downs of dealing with issues and very serious issues at that. It isn't just about someone in a fight or a souring relationship anymore. It goes way beyond that and it's astounding to see how much shit people really are in. 


And I'm glad that we exist.


2010 and my experiences have made me believe that.

Irony

Why is it that you crave for things just when you cannot have them?


I'm craving:


kebabs straight out of the tandoor. Reshmi, hariyali, seekh, galauti and tandoori kebabs... the juiciness, the aroma, the flavour, the heat, the charred bits, the succulency, the satisfaction, the joy and the the absolute orgasmic feeling one gets from such goodness, I crave.


Craving all this at a time when I can barely keep my food down without throwing it all up, forget eating any of this stuff. Some timing I tell you! 


Other secondary cravings are:


Fries from Matteo - they are THE best I have eaten so far. THE BEST.
Iced tea from Koshys - again, THE best I have had so far.
Beef chilli fry from Kairali
Melted marshmallows over a fire
Honeycomb (crushed frothy set caramel bicarb) over vanilla ice cream




Life and its ironies.

It's not until someone physically moves away that you realize how much you miss them.


And this is just the tip of the iceberg. 


Gosh this is gonna be hard.

THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE WORST DECEMBER. EVER.


Everyone's getting together, meeting up and here I am - in Bangalore, managing timetables and my frikkin "professional" life.


New Delhi is where I should be. Now.


Murphy, you'd wanna run. fast. and now.

Firsts

I never thought a reality tv show would ever make me cry.


And today was a first.


Marion's gone.

2010 - I

This year seems to be the year of weddings. Friends, friends of friends and many more took the plunge, and very happily at that. From maddening plans to designing to attire consultations with each other to shopping to dressing up and to finally attending that dream wedding, 2010 has kick-started and revved the engines on this one!


It all began in the 1st week of January when a bunch of friends set off to attend what would be the 1st proper wedding I've ever been to. And a wedding being what a wedding is, featured immense amount of fussing over and shopping, getting decked up and partying, not to forget many memorable moments spent together! 


Here are glimpses into what was...

Of train spotting/waiting moments

Of girl time moments

Of dressing up moments

Of whiling away time waiting for the bride moments

Of bride moments

Of reception, food and wine moments

Of first dance moments

Of almost missing our train and eating melted ice cream from Ideal moments

Of madness moments

Of togetherness moments

 Moving on from one wedding at the beginning of the year to another one almost midyear was that of a classmate's. I never thought our batch was ever "ready" to take the plunge when news of Ayesha's wedding made its way to us. Of course attending a friend's wedding is an occasion of immense joy and what doubles or triples the experience is the get-together of college friends it brings along. A few months later, an older friend of mine also chose to tie the knot and all I could think about was the sheer intensity with which weddings were taking place. Weddings and wedding fineries still do swim in front of my eyes because everyone seems to be heading that way! And it's scary. In one way or the other. It just drives home the fact that our turn may perhaps just be around the corner. Eeeks. But we'll leave that thought aside for a while and have a dehko at the next lot!

Wedding fineries

Our super gorgeous bride

Ayesha taking center stage

Friends and get-togethers

Girly-ness moments

Reunion moments

Respect for those who've taken the plunge. We've a thing or 2 to learn from you girls, courage being the first. I wish you all the love, joy, peace, naughtiness, fun and everything else you desire!

So yes, this year began with a wedding and will end with a wedding. And if that's how 2011 is going to be, then spectacular is what I'd have to call it. For there's nothing more joyous than watching friends getting married and being a part of that process. There's nothing more heartwarming to see two people commit to something this huge. And there's nothing more overwhelming than realizing that perhaps maybe, we're not too far behind.

I have and always will believe that hormones rule this world. 


Unless there's a meltdown and humanity in its entirety disintegrates. Till then, hormones it is.


And there's enough and more scientific evidence to corroborate this belief/theory.

Sunday

I've been going on about how I love my weekends and how they go by so fast and how working on weekends is criminal. I've also spoken about how I try and not let the latter affect whatever is left of my weekend, for I am a positive thinker when it comes to things like this!


Class preps: done!
Sunday cleaning: done!
Hair oil massage: done!
Head bath: done!
iPod charging: done!
Saris ironing: done!


Sunday lunch, afternoon time, snooze time, here I come! 


Monday, I'm ready for you. 


PS> please do arrive and exit fast.

December

It's wedding season! December is such a happy month! :) I love it for it brings my favourite season with it. 


And add friends' weddings and it's a double treat over and over. I just cannot wait!!


I love winters. I adore cold mornings and cold afternoons and cold evenings and warmth wrapped in cold nights! I love the freshness, the nip in the air, the crispness to everything. I love wrapping myself up in my warm sweatshirts and curling my fingers around a hot cuppa on the basketball court. Of course, these are moments from back when I was a student. Today I'm astounded at how I can manage to withstand the early morning cold in just a sari and still manage to reach minus scampering around to reattach frozen limbs that could have possibly fallen off en-route to college. And that cuppa at the bbc, well, not so much anymore. But the memories keep me warm enough. 


Afternoons make me feel so blissed out. Walking under a blazing sun only to feel tingles all over me instead of sunburns is such an awesome feeling. Sun and blue blue sky, I louu you! 


Evenings are of course spent cuddled under warmth or cuddled with the joojies around my neck! They snuggle in between my sweatshirt and neck and *sigh* :) So much warmth! 


December = the blue blue sky, a tingly sun, nippy mornings, foggy mornings (heart heart heart), smoke-coming-out-my-mouth mornings, crispy mornings, warm clothes, warm food, snuggles and cuddles, happiness, childhood memories, CHRISTMAS!, new year, reminiscent days, bidding the year adieu, thanksgiving, excitement about the upcoming year wondering what's in store... December =  so much and more! Add weddings to that! 


I cannot wait to document a friend's wedding on camera later this month! Such joy!  


And talking about reminiscent days, look out for an array of posts on not just thanksgiving but on all that has made my 2010 this year - leading to the finale on 31st, starting now!


December, bring it on! I just cannot cannot cannot wait! 

Happy reading! :)