Blah

It's a blah kinda Diwali. I'm not as pumped or excited about it this year and all I feel is this need to curl up under my quilt and snooze. The house has been decorated, the sweets bought, the diyas arranged for evening, the usual quota of sparklers, flowerpots and chakras purchased and so on. Everything's set, ready and done. 


I have a sneaky suspicion that this mood swing's got to do with the impending birthday. Couple that with a hormonal override as well. Yes, it's that time of the year where I start feeling blah and weird thanks to the birthday. Don't get me wrong, I love my birthday, but these few days before the big day are ones I wish I could skip. They're just not my type. I don't enjoy wallowing in countdowns, thoughts of getting older (which incidentally last till just a day before my birthday thankfully!) and the like. And because I look forward to this day, the thought of it vanishing away just doesn't sit well with me. 


It's a day I want to spend with my family and friends; a day I want to spend as perfectly as I can. I want concretized plans that roll out smoothly, I want people to be there, I want every one to have fun and make the most of this day. And this is the one (and perhaps only) day where I'm ok with being in the spotlight. So yes, it matters how my birthday rolls out. And this year, because it's a hallmark one, I have certain hopes and expectations of things going a certain way. However, with expectations come only unhappiness, which again leads back to why I'm feeling the way I am. 


Also I crave good, fun, happy, birthday surprises but am not destined to any! I think people who are super organized and alert are the ones who are never ever destined to get good, fun, happy, birthday surprises. You know those surprises where every one just lands up at home or you have relatives fly down and show up or ones where you get kidnapped by friends to someplace you've always wanted to go to or make a video with messages from everyone... sigh. These are some that I've done which is why I'm caught in this entire expectation loop. 


At the end of the day I just rap myself hard for wanting too much. I think I'm someone who's quite hard to please because I have standards. I don't intend to sound condescending at all. It's an observation I've made about myself which is well, something I've to deal with thanks to the way I am. I either change or live with it - neither of which are pleasant. 


I think I need to just let go. This blahness is not appetizing. 


Oh, and have yourself a super happy Diwali! :)