Flitting. 


That's what it's about.

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

...where you need to switch on the "glow sign" on one's forehead, as my friends call it. And I'm a through and through believer of this concept. Insensitivity to those who deserve nothing much at all, is my mantra. Of course it hasn't been easy. And practice comes with experience. 


But. There's only so much you can do to make that sign shine on bright. Beyond that, Mr. Murphy exists. And so well, sometimes desperate measures fall flat on their face when Murphy decides to come into the picture.


Let me illustrate this concept with an example.


So. I disliked considerable portions of my school life, disliked most of my schoolmates who couldn't have been bigger jerks for more reasons than one (here's one), I never craved to go back to my school days, never bonded with any of them, never made the effort to keep in touch, never gave them a reason to communicate with me ever again and so the list goes. I always always make it a point to cross the road when I see any of them approaching to make myself invisible and if I ever happen to be in a Murphy-like situation where they're almost in my face, I choose to see through them and pretend like they don't exist. (Yeah, it's called a "glow sign" for a reason!)


Anyhow, Murphy who (I believe) holds a grudge against us all in one way or the other, decided to take me for a not-so-fun spin! And how? By having a schoolmate and me go to the same gym, at the same time and do almost the same exercises. (Eeeesh) And the gym being what a gym is i.e. mirrors personified, guess who has to (literally) stare at her feet and workout? For (let's call her) schoolmate babe CANNOT stop staring at me from next to me, from away from me, from far far away from me, all thanks to mirror personification! Argh. Murphy should write or throw down a book from wherever he is on 'How To Make Someone's Life Hell' dated (for) eternity.


So yes. School(staring-starer-son)babe is crazy for she cannot stop looking staring at me (and no, it's not flattering before you try and make me feel nice about it). And how do I know? Because trust me, when you have someone stare and I mean STARE at you throughout their workout, you JUST KNOW. Dodging stares don't help either because when you miss one, five others hit you (and I'm not exaggerating). Drinking water - stare. Exercising - stare. Walk - stare. Talk - stare. Joke - stare. Lie down - stare (eeeks). Take off shoes - stare. Wear shoes - stare. Walk out - stare stare stare STARE. You get the stare-y story! 


And I think my "glow sign" has burned out. I'm exhausting my capacity to be the super bitch and with fast depleting resources comes fast depleting hope! But super bitch will rise from the ashes. I have the faith. And I definitely have the capacity!


Because we do know how much Mr. Murphy loves us at the end of the day and to give up so early in the day is not at all super bitch-like.


There! So the desperate measure I followed from day one was to see through her, pretend like she wasn't even in the same room as I was in. But then Murphy came along and made us workout together today. And fascinatingly enough, only the machine next to her was working. Centimeters apart. *shudder* I think my neck hurts.


And so yeah, while Murphy keeps volleying me situations like these, the super bitch in me has to rise up and do something about it. Again and again and again for desperate times always always always call for desperate measures because we're either plagued by annoying people or Murphy decides to play his game of Desperate Havoc with us on a pretty regular basis.


All hail the "glow-sign".


Pip Pip! 

In The Deep

It's the sense of touch. 

In any real city, you walk, you know? 

You brush past people, people bump into you. 

In L.A., nobody touches you. 

We're always behind this metal and glass. 

I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other...
just so we can feel something.

- Graham, Crash (2004)

If I were to ever make a movie, this would be my sole inspiration. Words fail me when it comes to Crash. And since I'm a strong believer of the bigger picture, of us all being connected to each other in one way or the other and of us being here for larger things in life, this movie is IT. It's heart-wrenching, gripping and heartwarming all at once. It makes you want to stop breathing and breathe a sigh of relief. It makes you want to cry weep and also jump with hope. It's a paradoxical mix of everything that makes us who we are and couldn't be a more apt representation of what human relationships are like. To get what I'm saying, I suggest a dekho if you haven't already gotten yourself one.

If I were to ever make a movie, this would be my sole inspiration.

Here's a glimpse into one of it's heart-rendering scene (which I couldn't embed) and track. Have a listen.

Lyrics:

Thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
But something happens,
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
Now you're out there swimming...
In the deep.
In the deep. 

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... Let go.
Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,
and you throw yourself off.
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep. 

And now you're out there spinning...
And now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep. 

In the silence,
all your secrets, will
raise their worried heads.
Well, you can pin yourself back together,
to who you thought you were.
Now you're out there livin'...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep. 

In the deep...

Now you're out there spinning...
Now you're out there swimming...
Now you're out there spinning...
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep.
In the deep...

My senses are going berserk so to speak. I wish photographs could appeal to the sense of smell as well for then I would definitely put up a photograph of an apple and cinnamon cake that's smelling divine from my oven as it bakes!


I love how there's so much one can do and it feels like I've experimented a considerable bit since where I started off from: vanilla sponge cake, chocolate sponge cake, vanilla and chocolate marble cake, banana cake, vanilla and chocolate chips cake, dark chocolate with chocolate chips cake and now an apple and cinnamon cake... I refuse to use a full stop at the end of this sentence


Baking, such a wonderful wonderful thing :)

And it's here...

My November blue sky... I remember spending a moment every day from college till date to look up and check if my November blue sky had arrived. And today, I know it has.


I love it. Crisp, blue, calm and expansive - a sky of blue I would love to dive into.


It brings along a promise that winter is not far behind with crisp sunny mornings ideal to slip into warm comfort! 


Winter, welcome back again :)

I'm once bitten, twice bitten and hope thrice shy. 


Or so help me God.

There's nothing like a...

good dance! *sigh*

A walk on a cool windy late evening which builds into a jog and then a run with music pounding in my ears as are raindrops on my shoulders is all it takes most often. 


One raindrop missed, ten hit on an empty street with lights twinkling in the rain. And as the music's tempo builds, so does my speed.


Blissed out. 


And most often, this is all it takes to make my evening!

(And that would be the endorphins talking!) ;)

Breaking Point

I'm at a loss for words because I don't know what to say or what to do. I'm certain I've arrived at my tolerance level, my threshold beyond which I cannot take anything in anymore - I'm certain I've arrived at my breaking point. 


At this point in time, I have no hope. And I am speechless.


Why?


The latest word to hit the world of news, current affairs, sensationalism and our political scene is SCAMS. And all we get to hear these days is how this minister bungled up x crores of rupees, how another municipal head's haste killed x number of people because of the shoddy building he must've proudly supervised and inaugurated and is now absconding, how a sporting event chairman's misdeeds led his country to crumble in front of the entire world and be the butt of their jokes, how an ex top-cop got away with rape... I think there are enough and more examples to shame-face every Indian and counting. 


I cannot understand the psychology of corruption. Yes, we all like to be powerful in our own right. It is a basic human need and all of us have the right to need and attain a sense of power in whatever respect. But corruption is a different ball game altogether. I can understand the need for an uprising in retaliation to being suppressed which led to such a state of radicalism. But things spiraling out of control to such an extent just goes to prove that nothing is ever enough for man. And it hurts to generalize this because I sincerely believe that there are good people in this country doing their bit like tiny drops of sunshine in a blizzard. Everything's seething white and blinding - that's how despicable corruption feels. And we're all cold and numb to this process. We just cover up, find our warmth in other things and move on. 


I think my breaking point happened today - when our beloved chief minister justified his land scam by telling everyone that he's just following the footsteps of his predecessors, that everyone else does it, so he has every right to too. 


I think my pride tore when India was the butt of everyone's jokes and comments courtesy Suresh Kalmadi and gang.


I think my values took a beating when I saw forests making way for mines, our coasts making way for private beaches, when agricultural lands were snatched away for 6 lane highways with a promise to relocate hanging heavy in the air still.


I think my heart broke when I saw trees, plants, animals, forests, rivers, mountains fall victim to our needs and our smug justifications...why? because it's needed; because I didn't do it, someone else did and because it's not my headache.


Why am I so drained of hope?


Because a full stop here is obsolete, if not extinct.
Because there are no boundaries.
Because values got left behind.
Because we cannot take responsibility.
Because we pass the buck.
Because we are money starved.
Because ethics don't exist.
Because we simply don't care.
Because we're only bothered about ourself at the end of the day.
Because we're proud of our doings, whatever they may be.
Because we're so vengeful we can't see beyond getting what we never had, at the cost of anything or anyone.
Because others are just a joke to us.
Because money scales everything.
Because we've been this way for generations and getting progressively filthier.
Because it's ok and chalta hai
Because, like I said, we've never heard of full stops and don't have the mettle to stop when or where we're meant to stop. 


I'm at a point where I can't be livid anymore. Or hopeful. Or whatever it is that these atrocities are supposed to ignite in me. 


I'm actually scared for this country. I am scared because I fear the worst. I fear a retaliation and a nasty one because there is only so much people can take. And then it'll be back to square one - the oppressed outclass the oppressors only to become the same. And so the story goes. I am scared for this country because instead of owning up or accepting one's mistakes, we continue making the same mistakes and learn not from them but how we can better justify them. 


I'm scared because I'm at the breaking point and I don't think I can tolerate much of this anymore. I cannot tolerate a country so vibrant and colourful and talented to crumble the way it is. The rate at which we're falling is astounding and like I said, there's only so much we can take.


There's only so much I can take.

The Inside and Outside of It

There's something in me that always wants to cringe when I see people outside our culture flaunt their spirituality. And I don't know what I want to cringe at - the outward show, the in-my face spirituality or the desperate attempt to seek whatever is being sought...I don't know.


The point of this post is not an 'Us vs Them' outlook. The point of this post is to look inward and see things for what they really are. I could debate and argue on this topic endlessly because it is something that deeply moves me. 


Spirituality is very very subjective, internal and I am absolutely certain that each and every one of us is spiritual in our way and right. And I'm not here to comment on what is spiritual and what is not. For that's none of my business or anyone else's. 


However, whenever I hear someone say things like "I'm here to find myself", "I'm on a spiritual quest", or whatever else people say when "finding" their spirituality, something irks me. 


I don't get this outward show of things. The sudden need to clad oneself in dhotis and kurtis, to grow dreadlocks, to wear bathroom chappals and make your presence felt all over the place, etc etc etc. In my opinion, you don't need to wear a certain attire to "become" spiritual or behave in a particular way to attain spirituality, as it were. You don't need to be in a particular place to feel spiritual. And I really don't get this entire show. This need to suddenly be पवित्र  and cleansed off one's so called sins. 


You do not need to come to India to "find" yourself. Spirituality to me comes from within. It is a part and parcel of who you are and what you choose to do with yourself and others. Spirituality is to be grateful, thankful, faithful to name a few. My outlook towards life, the way I conduct myself, the things I choose to say and act upon, my thoughts and feelings, the paths I choose to walk on, the way I approach my life are all parts of my spiritual sense. I do not need outward signs and shows to chalk my path towards spirituality because very honestly speaking, spirituality being within me can surface when I'm at work, with my friends, with my family, with my pets. And that according to me is what matters. Not where I go to find it. 


And what annoys the crap out of me is how the same thing comes and hits us back in our own face. So we now have people outside our culture teaching us yoga, talking about meditation, teaching us the sayings of whoever and we accept it like newfound knowledge. We allow it. And I hate it. 


And if I were to delve into the philosophical undercurrents of it all, I'd just say that the roots of colonialism still hold strong somewhere. But that's another story for another time. 


It's not an 'Us vs Them' outlook. It's an inside vs outside perspective I'm taking. Because at the end of the day I'm no one to say what's right or wrong with others' choices and doings. All I can do is look outside and inside and see where my reality lies.


I'm a Sanskrit illiterate who can't differentiate the Mahabharat from Ramayan and it's ok. I do not know who my Gods are and who controls what in this universe. The only thing I know about the Bhagwad Gita is that it talks about duty. I barely know 3 shloks. I can just about say my prayers. I know no customs. I do not light the lamp every day. I eat meat whenever I feel like it. I eat beef. I enjoy my food. I am superbly grateful for all that I've been given. I feel hugely blessed. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my pets. I love my life. I love my job i.e. interacting with students. I find my peace within myself. I love my space. I am very thankful for all that I'm blessed with. I thank God for seeing me through each day. I respect. I give 200% of myself when I work. I take care to look after my health and that doesn't mean I diet. I give my mind and body what they love because I couldn't have got better. I pray when ambulances wheeze past me. I talk to God. I lose faith when it gets too hard. I try and not ask for much. I try and give back to my planet. I give time to myself. I indulge when I feel like it. I dream of seeing the Himalayas in all their splendour. I connect with the river Ganga. I wish to see her birthplace. I smile. I give. I respect. I care. I love. I live.


And that's the inside and outside of it. Nothing more. Nothing less. 


And no, I have no dreadlocks.