Blah

It's a blah kinda Diwali. I'm not as pumped or excited about it this year and all I feel is this need to curl up under my quilt and snooze. The house has been decorated, the sweets bought, the diyas arranged for evening, the usual quota of sparklers, flowerpots and chakras purchased and so on. Everything's set, ready and done. 


I have a sneaky suspicion that this mood swing's got to do with the impending birthday. Couple that with a hormonal override as well. Yes, it's that time of the year where I start feeling blah and weird thanks to the birthday. Don't get me wrong, I love my birthday, but these few days before the big day are ones I wish I could skip. They're just not my type. I don't enjoy wallowing in countdowns, thoughts of getting older (which incidentally last till just a day before my birthday thankfully!) and the like. And because I look forward to this day, the thought of it vanishing away just doesn't sit well with me. 


It's a day I want to spend with my family and friends; a day I want to spend as perfectly as I can. I want concretized plans that roll out smoothly, I want people to be there, I want every one to have fun and make the most of this day. And this is the one (and perhaps only) day where I'm ok with being in the spotlight. So yes, it matters how my birthday rolls out. And this year, because it's a hallmark one, I have certain hopes and expectations of things going a certain way. However, with expectations come only unhappiness, which again leads back to why I'm feeling the way I am. 


Also I crave good, fun, happy, birthday surprises but am not destined to any! I think people who are super organized and alert are the ones who are never ever destined to get good, fun, happy, birthday surprises. You know those surprises where every one just lands up at home or you have relatives fly down and show up or ones where you get kidnapped by friends to someplace you've always wanted to go to or make a video with messages from everyone... sigh. These are some that I've done which is why I'm caught in this entire expectation loop. 


At the end of the day I just rap myself hard for wanting too much. I think I'm someone who's quite hard to please because I have standards. I don't intend to sound condescending at all. It's an observation I've made about myself which is well, something I've to deal with thanks to the way I am. I either change or live with it - neither of which are pleasant. 


I think I need to just let go. This blahness is not appetizing. 


Oh, and have yourself a super happy Diwali! :)

Kitchen Adventure # 56749216!

My cook-off stints are instinctual. I don't have measuring bowls. I don't use recipe books. I go by the feel of what I see and smell in front of me. And that is exactly what you see as well.

Therefore I give you no clear-cut recipe. I give you images. And slight guidelines. And leave the rest to your judgement :)

CHOCOLATE MOUSSE

 

I began by melting chocolate using the double-boil method. And this is how it will start looking in not too much time. I could be more fancy and finicky by cutting the chocolate into smaller chunks, but it melts either way so I always prefer being 'Nigella-like' and throwing the entire chunk in anyway. Saves me time to do other stuff.

And once it melts, just get your whisk in and give it a nice, brisk stir. It'll turn into this lusciously shiny paste.


In the meantime, grab approximately half a cup of cream and whisk it till soft peaks appear. I believe the quality of the cream plays an essential role here. I hunted 3 days straight for Amul cream but had to settle with Milky Mist. I whipped it and it turned to butter. So yes, a surprise learning and turnout there which I'll put to use another time. I'd thankfully bought an adequate amount and quickly whipped up another batch.

Add a cup of non-whipped cream and a bit of castor sugar (as per your preference) to the chocolate. I took the chocolate off the heat to add cream to prevent the latter from splitting. However, that saw the chocolate solidifying almost immediately. So I put it back on and amalgamated the 3 together till it turned into a loverly, thick, dark, shiny river of chocolate. Once you're done mixing the cream and sugar with the chocolate, fold the mix into the cream you whipped a while back. 


Pour the river into whatever you wish to serve it in and stash the goodness away into the recesses of your fridge (and not freezer) for an hour or so.

Take out, smell, photograph, share and dig right in.

And if you want to be more fun, dunk your finger right into that cold gooey heaven and let it take over your senses :) You could garnish it with more whipped cream but I prefer it this way at the moment.

And that's how I chose to make my otherwise drab Monday so much more fun! :D

Fancy designations

What use is an M.D, PhD., Scientist, JRF fellow, PsyD., etc, etc, etc if you:

a) have forgotten where you came from

b) have your head so high up in the clouds that you can't see the world you live in

c) don't care whose face you throw shit on

d) forget about the basics that got you to where you are today

e) don't practice what you preach

f) if you ultimately let something as stupid as your bloated ego flush your credibility and humility down the drain

g) don't like where you're at

h) got those titles because it just looks good

The point I'm trying to make here is something that's been needling my brain for a while now. It's pushed me to such a place where I've questioned the foundations that I presently stand on. It's something that pushed me off the edge and made me lose faith. And lose faith I did. Massively. 

I come from an academic background. Learning makes sense to me. It comes effortlessly. It makes me feel complete. It makes me feel like I've never felt before, to put it very simply. However, it is this same field that made me feel like a pariah in an instant. And I've been feeling this way ever since.

And pariah I felt because I chose to walk away. And it isn't even about rebelling. It's about being true to who I think I am and not getting sucked into the filthy vortex that the world of academicians presently is. I despise the vast lack of honesty, transparency, humility, not to forget the abundance of hypocrisy that floats all around. 

I cannot understand, forget deal with, people who build their pedestals on the fear they've generated in others; either by walking all over them or using them till they surrender. That's what that designation stands for today - fear and power, not learning and imparting knowledge. I cannot stomach these huge fat degree holders who think they're the be all and end all of man's potential. 

And it saddens me to think that I know barely a few who stand on their laurels for who they are and what they do amongst these million other degree holders. I can think of only a few who practice what they preach, who apply their learnings to their life as well and who know where they came from. 


A real teacher gets respect not for how well she/he can blackmail a class. A revered PhD. holder is looked up to not for the Dr. before his/her name but for their ability to help a student create their learning space and mould them as and when required! A true counselor is revered not for how many clients they see but for how well they can apply and understand what the hell they ask their clients to do, to their own life. A lover of psychology is not one who brags about their book knowledge but lives by the insight they get from actually interacting with people the way they are supposed to! 

For the rest, well, they're just a bunch of rats running a race that probably has little or no meaning to them; or so it comes across to be. Because there's no point in climbing something that's just another ladder when it should in-fact be that one-in-a-million ladder that you should actually be aiming for - irrespective of where you're heading. 

And I'm going to keep bringing these issues up because it matters to me. Because I believe in where I came from. Because what I do matters a great deal to me. Because I have dreams. Because I'm tired of this redundant system. Because going along with shit is not my style. And because I'm opinionated and will opine. As much as I possibly can. 

Thoughts of a self-confessed planner

There has to be a plan. Always. - check.
The plan always needs planning - check.
It needs foresight - check.
It needs keen, keen attention - check.
It needs alertness - check.
It needs to have a direction. Or the potential of a sense of direction showing up - check.
It needs feasibility - check.
It needs motivation - check.
It needs participants - check.
Those participants need to exude commitment - check
There needs to be a strategy - check.
There certainly needs to be an order - check.
There needs to be a method, a system - check.
There needs to be control - check.
There needs to be confidence - check.
There needs to be leadership - check.
There needs to be initiative - check.
There needs to be an engine that pulls everyone along - check.
There needs to be magnetism to keep everyone together - check.
There needs to be togetherness - check.
There needs to be firmness - check.
There needs to energy - check.
There needs to be a drive - check.
There needs to be realism - check.
It needs to appeal - check.
There needs to be an advantage, if not more - check.
There needs to be the will to take it forward - check.
There needs to be what I call 'planner's hygiene' - being able to be assertive and take charge - check.


And yes, there needs to be a checklist, always. Mentally at least. - check.


A planner wants nothing more than to have everything go as per plan and ensure everyone's having the time of their life. It's as simple as that. And it's as easy as that. Except when people involved in your plan don't get some or all of the above.


Also, you need to be a kick-ass planner and great company for people to take your plans seriously. 


:)

Loop state of mind

Here's a track I chanced upon at dawn today. I don't know if its the track in its entirety or its lyrics or its beats or Nadia Ali's voice that had me latched on to it the entire day today. I think it's an amalgamation of everything and more thanks to my week that's laden and overflowing with the news of deaths in quick succession and work that makes me want to tear my hair out.  All I want is my weekend. But even the weekend, which is extremely short lived, isn't appealing enough. 


I want to liven the mood up, go on a long drive, let go, cut myself some slack, dance a night away to this song in slo-mo and just live minus any strings attached; just once, if not whenever I wish to. I want out.


There's just something about her voice that sucks me into the depths of this track and lets me float along on what seems like a giant comfy water-bed with nothing but peace around me... That's what I like best about select trance music - it sweeps you into this huge wave and lets you free fall. I'm a free fall phase person. I'm a trance girl. I need my trips.
And no, I'm not high on anything else.


For those of you who don't enjoy trance, don't bother. For those of you who're willing to give it a try, tag along and let it take you wherever it has to. And for those of you who dig it like I do, then dive right in. And close your eyes :)

Death has this inexplicable quality about it. It's that one part of life that people say completes living and life itself, ironically. It's something we have to come to terms with and swallow down. Some of us even brace it to make the thought of leaving for good, easier. Some of us push it deep deep down and carry on with whatever we're busy with, hoping to battle this concept later. 


Death is a strange, funny thing. Funny in a weird, distorted way. Funny in a twisted way. A funny that one perhaps doesn't want to indulge in. Ever. Unless it slams itself right into your face i.e.


And as we grow and live life, we face it in one way or the other. Through sometimes impersonal and sometimes very deeply personal ways. From a distance and from such a close proximity where you find it hard to even breathe. At every age, at every stage, at every level. It's something that's all-pervasive, all-encompassing and all-consuming. It's ubiquitous, whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not, whether we believe in it or not. 


Death, I think, is the one thing we do not have a choice about in life. And maybe that's what is so unnerving about it - because we can't control it, we can't push it away, we can't not deal with it. 


Which is why it literally feels like someone's punched all the life and air out of you when you hear of someone's death - known or unknown, close or far. And no amount of acceptance can ever change that one moment when the phone rings or when those words of someone's passing are spoken. That mute moment when all you want is to just breathe, suck the life back into yourself and understand what the hell just happened. 


RIP Raja Uncle.

Sap trip

It was this post I'd written not so long back that had a lingering effect on me thanks to the fact that I'm simply, what one would call, a sucker for sap; especially the SRK kinds...and like I said earlier, I'm not closeted enough to either deny or feel embarrassed by it. 


What actually got me down to writing this post was perhaps the memory of the epic era everyone present in the 90s (and later) would have witnessed - the DDLJ era. I don't think words can aptly describe what an effect this movie has had on so so many. The songs, the dialogues, the evergreen actor duo and of course the massive story - all put together - made this movie more than just legendary. 


I, for one, could go on about what this movie meant to me. 
This is the first and last movie I remember watching at a movie theater with my then entire family - that's 19 of us - together. 
I teared up for almost every scene even though I was barely at the age to empathize and actually get what those emotional scenes meant and felt like. 
It's that movie which made me want to see SRK and Kajol together for the rest of my life, whether or not they were married to their respective others. 
That was when the idea of SRK and Kajol stuck around which later led me to despise Rani Mukherjee as KKHH released. I still find them to be one of Bollywood's golden pair on-screen, with my dislike for Rani Mukherjee still remaining quite so intact. Therefore her death in KKHH and SRK picking Kajol in K3G (which was so inevitable) made the world's difference to me. It's silly I realize, but when did reasoning ever stand a chance in front of emotions?
It's a movie that had me (and the rest of the world who watched it, I bet) at the edge of my seat, biting my nails vigorously, hoping against hope that Amrish Puri would let Kajol go. And let go he did. And cry, I definitely did.
It's a movie that completed almost every sunday afternoon thanks to the matinee spot it dominated for so many years. It still does sometimes and you don't really need to guess who it makes so happy.
It's that movie whose dialogues are quoted very widely even today, the most famous one being the unforgettable "bade bade deshon mein aise choti choti batein hoti rehti hain."
It's one I can watch any number of times and one I'd call a classic because it still has the ability to evoke the same emotions it did when I watched it the for the first time - the tears, the fright, the tension, the angst, the love, the goosebumps, the dreaminess, the whole 9 yards that comes with emoting while watching it.
And because I'm a sucker for sap, it made me dream about love stories. While the context and circumstances of such dreams have changed, the underlying hope and wish for a love story as, if not more, exciting and adventurous still remains. 
All in all, it's one movie I'm super proud to know which belongs to Bollywood and one that Bollywood conversely, is proud to have as part of its repertoire. 


I love how contextual it was; how it portrayed relationships; how it wasn't a cake walk for anyone; how it spoke to the young and hopeful; how it portrayed society; how it blended so well into something a family would understand, empathize with and accommodate; and how it communicated itself so immaculately to everyone who watched it. 


And as for me, it still speaks volumes of what love stories can be made up of. I love how fiction talks and allows me to draw parallels with reality. I'm still made up of the 60:40 pessimist:realist combination, however, both parts of me have their space to arrive at their own consensuses making it peaceful. As long as I have the you happy, me happy, everybody happy feeling going on, it's all cool. And that's something DDLJ allows me to wallow in because like I said, it has everything and accommodates every one who watches it. 


And if you disagree, then you've got the chance to walk on and let dreamers live and make their dreams come true. :)


I cannot sign off without letting you revel in a piece of the era that was and always will be.

My current state of mind

I need a man that thinks it's right when it's all wrong tonight, as Lady Gaga so aptly puts it.


Nothing more, nothing less ;)


I'm on the edge of glory this Friday afternoon and all I can think of is bungee jumping right into the madness.


The weekend has a knack of making the world spiral out of control in a very happy, gaga way.

Friday

Cheers to a good life! =)

Thursday playing...

My 6am song today to complete the overcast wonder that surrounds me in my glass spaceship is here. And it makes me want to wrap my fingers around my steaming cuppa hot chocolate, wishing I were on the balcony taking it all in...and perhaps glide and hover by windows of people lost in the steady glow of their computer screens. It's that kinda song. Give it a listen.





And as the morning progresses, the thought of the almost here weekend makes me flow on to this track's goodness...keeping my mind upbeat as I sink into work with a mental jig or two.




And this one a friend shared makes me wanna just take off on a long drive in this weather. Damn this is not a day to work on. 





But while you're at it, enjoy and have yourself a super smooth Thursday =)