It's just one of those moments. It's just one of those days;
Where I want to start over with a clean slate. But it's just too much of an effort and frankly, I really do not have the strength for it.
It's a spiral that's spinning out of control and I feel like I'm standing in the midst of this tornado.
A tornado of relationships that never were, a tornado of relationships hanging in the air, a tornado of turmoil, a tornado of despair, a tornado of heartbreak - a mixed bag of bare, raw human feelings of the people I love.
I didn't dance tonight, I didn't let go tonight, I didn't budge tonight. And it hurt.
I held her tonight, I held another her tonight and I held him tonight. And it hurt.
I wanted to run away from him tonight, I wanted to run away from them tonight and I wanted to run away from everything tonight. And it fucking hurt.
As we sped past a lake tonight, all I could pray for was for all our sorrows to drown. Because it's just not easy. Because putting up a brave front every single day is exhausting and building walls all around oneself feels so damn claustrophobic.
And I couldn't have felt more claustrophobic today.
Life's a huge painful bitch.
The hurt is unbearable, the tears unstoppable.
Life's a fucking bitch.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Just...
If there's something about meeting and catching up with UG friends, then imagine, there's definitely something about meeting and catching up with PUC friends.
Little did I ever imagine such a night as tonight. Ever.
It's been close to 6 years. And that's not a small period of time, especially when it comes to one's life, experiences, new relationships that make way for older ones; to name a few. You move away, you move on, you rarely ever fathom having a reunion and actually letting one's hair down with the people you were so awkward with back then. Time has its miraculous ways of doing things. Really.
So tonight was spent in the company of friends I haven't met for ages, some for about 6 years and some for 4. I love how we've all gone on our own paths. Today at the table sat lawyers (women lawyers at that), an HR professional, a social worker (of sorts) who loves dabbling in a lot of other things, a student/traveler/teacher/artist and me. I love how we've come so so far. Never did we imagine doing the things we're doing, and somehow, the universe has its own scheme of making things happen.
We're living our life, according to our terms. And I am so so proud of who we've become today. So so proud.
From awkward teenagers to lost young adults to us who are still small specks in this huge miraculous world, fighting our way through just to be who we are. And I am grateful we've been able to get here.
There is a special mention however, of someone who's world I fell in love with. And this is what I have to say...
It's about learning, at the end of the day. Whether you to choose to read, write, walk or talk, it's about learning at the end of the day.
It's about living life just the way you never imagined it to be. And taking it in your stride.
It's about being passionate to an extent I have never ever come across.
It's about living your life's dream.
It's about walking the walk, and barely talking.
It's about being disconnected on purpose and being connected by chance.
It's about traveling without any bounds, and you surely have shown me a glimpse of what it feels like.
It's about living with bare minimums in the world, and surviving.
It's about just being.
It's about the way you feel and your state of mind. Always.
It's just about the way you are. And I'm so proud to know someone like you.
I've loved being a spectator to your world you painted tonight. And your living it.
It makes me want to believe. You make me want to believe.
Maybe because, like I told you, I'm not as courageous as you.
And maybe because you're just a dream come true.
Little did I ever imagine such a night as tonight. Ever.
It's been close to 6 years. And that's not a small period of time, especially when it comes to one's life, experiences, new relationships that make way for older ones; to name a few. You move away, you move on, you rarely ever fathom having a reunion and actually letting one's hair down with the people you were so awkward with back then. Time has its miraculous ways of doing things. Really.
So tonight was spent in the company of friends I haven't met for ages, some for about 6 years and some for 4. I love how we've all gone on our own paths. Today at the table sat lawyers (women lawyers at that), an HR professional, a social worker (of sorts) who loves dabbling in a lot of other things, a student/traveler/teacher/artist and me. I love how we've come so so far. Never did we imagine doing the things we're doing, and somehow, the universe has its own scheme of making things happen.
We're living our life, according to our terms. And I am so so proud of who we've become today. So so proud.
From awkward teenagers to lost young adults to us who are still small specks in this huge miraculous world, fighting our way through just to be who we are. And I am grateful we've been able to get here.
There is a special mention however, of someone who's world I fell in love with. And this is what I have to say...
It's about learning, at the end of the day. Whether you to choose to read, write, walk or talk, it's about learning at the end of the day.
It's about living life just the way you never imagined it to be. And taking it in your stride.
It's about being passionate to an extent I have never ever come across.
It's about living your life's dream.
It's about walking the walk, and barely talking.
It's about being disconnected on purpose and being connected by chance.
It's about traveling without any bounds, and you surely have shown me a glimpse of what it feels like.
It's about living with bare minimums in the world, and surviving.
It's about just being.
It's about the way you feel and your state of mind. Always.
It's just about the way you are. And I'm so proud to know someone like you.
I've loved being a spectator to your world you painted tonight. And your living it.
It makes me want to believe. You make me want to believe.
Maybe because, like I told you, I'm not as courageous as you.
And maybe because you're just a dream come true.
Love
I was just going through my old blog when I chanced upon this. And it's something I'd like to share here as well...
============================================================================
I was reading up on love - part of what we have to study - and was engrossed in gathering information when my attention fell on a teeny part of the huge page that lay ahead in front of me. It was a box containing the meanings of love in the words of children and I just had to put it up here to share with you; the reasons I'm sure will be evident to you shortly if you already haven't guessed why. And I'll leave it at that.
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out and eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he looks like Robert Redford."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
:)
============================================================================
And another one:
"Love is when mommy sips the coffee to taste whether it's ok before giving it to dad."
============================================================================
I was reading up on love - part of what we have to study - and was engrossed in gathering information when my attention fell on a teeny part of the huge page that lay ahead in front of me. It was a box containing the meanings of love in the words of children and I just had to put it up here to share with you; the reasons I'm sure will be evident to you shortly if you already haven't guessed why. And I'll leave it at that.
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out and eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he looks like Robert Redford."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
:)
============================================================================
And another one:
"Love is when mommy sips the coffee to taste whether it's ok before giving it to dad."
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Moments in time...
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| Of sleeping in class moments! |
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| Of paying our respect moments! |
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| Of surprises! |
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| Of New-AV room moments! |
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| Of girl time and fun moments! |
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| Of last exams, days and hugs! |
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| Of dressing up and chilling moments! |
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| Of ragging our unsuspecting juniors on the BBC moments |
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| Of in-between class moments! |
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| Of class moments! |
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| Of freezing in the new AV room moments! |
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| Of between practicals moments! |
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| Of first year, saturday, functional grammar in old AV room moments! |
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| Of eating and getting glared at moments! |
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| Of waiting! |
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| Of studying moments! |
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Not-So-Nice
It's nice, in a way, to be away from the entire world. Or as it were, from Facebook.
Somewhere down the line I realize how truly addictive social networking sites really are and the amount of time that people (like me as well) spend on Facebook (or other sites) is startling. And startling is an understatement. I mean, that's how addictive it really is.
And yes, I did spend quite a bit of time on it (I don't know why) and I was/am addicted to it. The withdrawal symptoms are not pretty. Not at all.
I'm just trying to rationalize Facebook's action by believing that everything happens for a reason, and a good one at that. So albeit whatever that has happened, I'm trying my best to deal with it.
The benefits of not having it around are that I'm left with so much more time to get other things done, that I'm not on this superfluous network of people I barely know, that I'm away from people that I didn't want to be around but couldn't necessarily "un-friend", that I'm getting to reflect on what our socialization process has come to become (and it looks ghastly in my mind), etc etc.
However, I do miss catching up with friends and my social life has (tragically) come to quite a standstill. Like I said, it's nice in a way, but taking something away from me by force is a far from nice feeling.
And that's the not-so-nice bit about it.
Somewhere down the line I realize how truly addictive social networking sites really are and the amount of time that people (like me as well) spend on Facebook (or other sites) is startling. And startling is an understatement. I mean, that's how addictive it really is.
And yes, I did spend quite a bit of time on it (I don't know why) and I was/am addicted to it. The withdrawal symptoms are not pretty. Not at all.
I'm just trying to rationalize Facebook's action by believing that everything happens for a reason, and a good one at that. So albeit whatever that has happened, I'm trying my best to deal with it.
The benefits of not having it around are that I'm left with so much more time to get other things done, that I'm not on this superfluous network of people I barely know, that I'm away from people that I didn't want to be around but couldn't necessarily "un-friend", that I'm getting to reflect on what our socialization process has come to become (and it looks ghastly in my mind), etc etc.
However, I do miss catching up with friends and my social life has (tragically) come to quite a standstill. Like I said, it's nice in a way, but taking something away from me by force is a far from nice feeling.
And that's the not-so-nice bit about it.
Friday, October 22, 2010
I have this tendency to look back, reflect and reminisce. I also find myself doing this when events that are significant to me are about to ensue. Achievements, festivals, a new year and of course, birthdays; to name a few.
I've seen so many people around me who don't really look forward to their birthday and I guess that's their own personal way of welcoming/viewing their day. I am definitely not one of those many people. I think I'm one from those very few people I know to whom their birthday means more than I can describe. And this is, again, another viewpoint.
I love my birthday. It's my day, it's my time, it's my turn under the spotlight, it's my time to feel extra special. And I love that feeling.
I would, on any other day, shy away from the spotlight and being the center of everyone's attention. I really feel very conscious and awkward and tend to become delirious and mumble uncontrollably when put in such situations on any other ordinary day. However, I would perhaps not behave in such a radical manner on my birthday. And I'm glad it's just this one day of the year that I let go. So yeah.
I love the fun, the fanfare, the telephone calls (I otherwise despise calls and run away from my phone), receiving greeting cards by post (which is now sadly an extinct family practice), buying new clothes and getting to wear them...and the gifts. Though it hasn't ever been about the gifts (not that I don't like gifts. Who doesn't?!)
My birthday is also a time for me to look back, be thankful and reflect on whatever I've been blessed with. It matters to me. It matters that I look back and see how far I've come, see the paths I treaded on and the paths I gave a miss, be grateful for having the family and friends that I have, and so much more. And it's this sense of thankfulness that lets me go, it's this sense of gratefulness that lets me go and absorb all the love and attention that is bestowed on me on this one day of the year. And I guess that spells the end of this delirium and radical mumbling that otherwise catches hold of me, even if it's just for 24 hours in the entire year. I'm thankful for that.
There have been a lot of changes if I were to look back at the previous year.
I'm done with my Masters which was a hugely significant aspect of my life,
I don't know what I'm doing with my life,
I don't know where I'm headed,
I'm single,
I've made new friends and decided to discard a few as well,
I've burnt my fingers really badly and am still nursing my wounds,
I've become a Counseling Psychologist and a Teacher,
I've started baking
I've had a super huge crush on guys younger than me,
I've had a few significant prayers answered,
I've put on oodles of weight,
I've got 3 pets whom I love to death and can't do without,
I've got meself a gold medal for topping my MSc and yes, I'm proud of it,
I've made some super huge decisions, and just to sum it up,
I've lived my life according to my terms.
And so, the countdown begins! :)
I've seen so many people around me who don't really look forward to their birthday and I guess that's their own personal way of welcoming/viewing their day. I am definitely not one of those many people. I think I'm one from those very few people I know to whom their birthday means more than I can describe. And this is, again, another viewpoint.
I love my birthday. It's my day, it's my time, it's my turn under the spotlight, it's my time to feel extra special. And I love that feeling.
I would, on any other day, shy away from the spotlight and being the center of everyone's attention. I really feel very conscious and awkward and tend to become delirious and mumble uncontrollably when put in such situations on any other ordinary day. However, I would perhaps not behave in such a radical manner on my birthday. And I'm glad it's just this one day of the year that I let go. So yeah.
I love the fun, the fanfare, the telephone calls (I otherwise despise calls and run away from my phone), receiving greeting cards by post (which is now sadly an extinct family practice), buying new clothes and getting to wear them...and the gifts. Though it hasn't ever been about the gifts (not that I don't like gifts. Who doesn't?!)
My birthday is also a time for me to look back, be thankful and reflect on whatever I've been blessed with. It matters to me. It matters that I look back and see how far I've come, see the paths I treaded on and the paths I gave a miss, be grateful for having the family and friends that I have, and so much more. And it's this sense of thankfulness that lets me go, it's this sense of gratefulness that lets me go and absorb all the love and attention that is bestowed on me on this one day of the year. And I guess that spells the end of this delirium and radical mumbling that otherwise catches hold of me, even if it's just for 24 hours in the entire year. I'm thankful for that.
There have been a lot of changes if I were to look back at the previous year.
I'm done with my Masters which was a hugely significant aspect of my life,
I don't know what I'm doing with my life,
I don't know where I'm headed,
I'm single,
I've made new friends and decided to discard a few as well,
I've burnt my fingers really badly and am still nursing my wounds,
I've become a Counseling Psychologist and a Teacher,
I've started baking
I've had a super huge crush on guys younger than me,
I've had a few significant prayers answered,
I've put on oodles of weight,
I've got 3 pets whom I love to death and can't do without,
I've got meself a gold medal for topping my MSc and yes, I'm proud of it,
I've made some super huge decisions, and just to sum it up,
I've lived my life according to my terms.
And so, the countdown begins! :)
My latest...
Name: Matthew Caldicott
Where I first saw him: Masterchef Australia
Why such heart-ness: An accountant/auditor who can cook... Sounds strangely Yum!
Name: Callum Hann
Where I first saw him: Masterchef Australia
Why such heart-ness: apart from the fact that he is sooooo genuine and is soooo genuinely cute as well, I love his humility and uprightness. Coming from holding apparent menial jobs at restaurants to being on this show and pulling off to-die for dishes is awe-inspiring!
Both of them are (of course) younger than I am. Not that I have/had a chance, but I'd like to believe I did (the girl's gotta feel good!!)... *sigh*
And the fact that they stood by their dreams and changed their life's course to do what they love doing...is well, amazing.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Things that make my day better...
One of them being playing pranks. *evil chuckle*
So, I decided to play a prank on my mother. *muhahaha*
Babushka's gmail chat status: grey dot a.k.a invisible
Mother dearest's chat status: green dot a.k.a available
Babushka to Mom: huhahahahaha.
Babushka to Mom: Babushka is offline.
And then I wait.
1 minute later: no response.
1.5 minutes later: still no response.
Seconds later: the green dot changes to a yellow dot a.k.a idle.
I give up and log off.
2 minutes later: call received from Mother dearest.
Mother dearest to me: did you send me a message saying Babushka is offline, huhahaha?
I feign ignorance and tell her I don't know what she's talking about. I also add that I was studying (yeah right!) when in fact, I was actually browsing through other blogs.
Mother to me: Oh no! Please go and check your account then! I think it's been hacked! I swear I got this message today, I'll mail it to you!
Babs to mother: Tell me about it! First Facebook, now gmail?! These people I tell you!
Mother to Babs: Yeah please go online asap and sort this out!
:D :D :D :D :D
*small pleasures*
So, I decided to play a prank on my mother. *muhahaha*
Babushka's gmail chat status: grey dot a.k.a invisible
Mother dearest's chat status: green dot a.k.a available
Babushka to Mom: huhahahahaha.
Babushka to Mom: Babushka is offline.
And then I wait.
1 minute later: no response.
1.5 minutes later: still no response.
Seconds later: the green dot changes to a yellow dot a.k.a idle.
I give up and log off.
2 minutes later: call received from Mother dearest.
Mother dearest to me: did you send me a message saying Babushka is offline, huhahaha?
I feign ignorance and tell her I don't know what she's talking about. I also add that I was studying (yeah right!) when in fact, I was actually browsing through other blogs.
Mother to me: Oh no! Please go and check your account then! I think it's been hacked! I swear I got this message today, I'll mail it to you!
Babs to mother: Tell me about it! First Facebook, now gmail?! These people I tell you!
Mother to Babs: Yeah please go online asap and sort this out!
:D :D :D :D :D
*small pleasures*
Forever Fun Moments... :)
To extend the quality family time we spend, here's a fun moment dancing to Forever with Fuzzy!
(The photograph's blurred but I love it nonetheless...)...The happiness... And dance... *sigh*
While,
Cutlet and Poppins look on!
:)
(The photograph's blurred but I love it nonetheless...)...The happiness... And dance... *sigh*
While,
Cutlet and Poppins look on!
:)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
A great mood uplifter...
Couldn't get the actual video thanks to Mr. Chris Brown's antics and violent tendencies.
Great song nonetheless!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Memories...
Koshy's
Taste Of Tibet
India Coffee House
Koyla
KFC
Girls! Missings!
*images/photographs from the internet.
Craving # 568
SPICY CHICKEN WINGS (though they look wayyy better at M46)
+
LONG ISLAND ICED TEA
AT
MILLERS 46!!!
*images from the internet.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
...
Human nature never ceases to amaze me. Never.
It astounds me to see how two-faced people really can be. On one hand I constantly see this need to be ethical, professional, non-judgmental, scientific, intellectual and so on... and on the other hand, these same people are some of the most immature, juvenile and irrational people I have ever come across.
When confined to the four walls of their workplace, everything is suddenly very prim, proper and by-the-book, or at least that's what most people strive towards. I shudder to think what transformation happens outside these four walls.
I am currently going through a huge conflicting crisis because I do not get this two-faced-ness. I absolutely don't. And having confronted a few of these people, the picture that I get is that it's ok and that it's a "done" thing.
I remember spending many hours of class time debating such issues. Just because I come from a certain profession doesn't automatically make me a product of the same. I am a product of wayyyyyy more than just a measly few years I spent honing myself for the profession. For example, just because I "studied" counseling doesn't make me a counselor. Just because a counselor isn't supposed to judge doesn't mean I can't judge. And just because I judge other people/situations, doesn't disqualify me from being a counselor. I'm at least being honest! I refuse to be compartmentalized into what I can and cannot do. And I hate the fact that intellectualism and all these stupid pretentious isms try to bind me.
So just because I'm in a very "intellectual" environment doesn't mean that everyone in that environment is the best I can get or that they're wayyyy higher than me. I think intellect has got absolutely nothing to do with seniority and has everything to do with who you are as a person and the humility you have towards the knowledge you've acquired. I'd much rather prefer a brutally honest and not-so-knowledgeable person than a knowledgeable person who acts one way with me in private and another way with me in public. I loathe it. I hope these pretentions turn into glass one day not just so that they can shatter but so that the world can see what rotten crap lies within.
Human nature...at the end of it, I think just disgusts me. And there'll never be a redemption for that. Never.
And that's a never I'm willing to risk a say!
It astounds me to see how two-faced people really can be. On one hand I constantly see this need to be ethical, professional, non-judgmental, scientific, intellectual and so on... and on the other hand, these same people are some of the most immature, juvenile and irrational people I have ever come across.
When confined to the four walls of their workplace, everything is suddenly very prim, proper and by-the-book, or at least that's what most people strive towards. I shudder to think what transformation happens outside these four walls.
I am currently going through a huge conflicting crisis because I do not get this two-faced-ness. I absolutely don't. And having confronted a few of these people, the picture that I get is that it's ok and that it's a "done" thing.
I remember spending many hours of class time debating such issues. Just because I come from a certain profession doesn't automatically make me a product of the same. I am a product of wayyyyyy more than just a measly few years I spent honing myself for the profession. For example, just because I "studied" counseling doesn't make me a counselor. Just because a counselor isn't supposed to judge doesn't mean I can't judge. And just because I judge other people/situations, doesn't disqualify me from being a counselor. I'm at least being honest! I refuse to be compartmentalized into what I can and cannot do. And I hate the fact that intellectualism and all these stupid pretentious isms try to bind me.
So just because I'm in a very "intellectual" environment doesn't mean that everyone in that environment is the best I can get or that they're wayyyy higher than me. I think intellect has got absolutely nothing to do with seniority and has everything to do with who you are as a person and the humility you have towards the knowledge you've acquired. I'd much rather prefer a brutally honest and not-so-knowledgeable person than a knowledgeable person who acts one way with me in private and another way with me in public. I loathe it. I hope these pretentions turn into glass one day not just so that they can shatter but so that the world can see what rotten crap lies within.
Human nature...at the end of it, I think just disgusts me. And there'll never be a redemption for that. Never.
And that's a never I'm willing to risk a say!
EPIC
Here's a Sunday spent in company of this epic movie, home-cooked food, mom and a lazy lazy weekend...
It couldn't get better than this! :)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
“Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.” :)
“Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” :) :)
"Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in... So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them..." :) :) :)
One of the reasons why I love Grey's Anatomy! :)
Good morning!
“Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.” :) :)
"Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in... So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them..." :) :) :)
One of the reasons why I love Grey's Anatomy! :)
Good morning!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
For the 1st time today,
I have a regret.
It's about a line that I crossed...and I can't seem to let go.
Like someone said, it's not about being here. It's about not being there. There being the other side of the line.
I desperately need a new world...
It's a desperation I've never felt before. And I'm not as strong as I wish I could be.
It's about a line that I crossed...and I can't seem to let go.
Like someone said, it's not about being here. It's about not being there. There being the other side of the line.
I desperately need a new world...
It's a desperation I've never felt before. And I'm not as strong as I wish I could be.
Sense and Sensibility
First it was about going to school, then about doing well in school, then about facing the boards, then about choosing an academic stream, then about facing the 2nd round of boards, then about heading to college, graduating successfully, moving on towards higher studies, then a job, then building a career, then getting married, then starting a family, looking after the family, then getting your kids educated and then subsequently married, becoming grandparents and then of course, it's time to die.
Wow. I summed up life in what? 6 sentences? How boring.
I'm tired of this stupid rat race. And this is what it makes me feel like doing:
Even if you consciously choose not to be in it, you end up being in it. Don't ask me how. It just happens. You either compare yourself to others or you just suddenly wake up one day and realize you've so much left to do...somehow you end up either walking, running, skipping, jumping or whatever else, but in the race.
I consciously made an effort to take a break after my under-graduate course because I'd had enough. Enough of studies, pressure and the fact that I had what? 3 consecutive years of absolutely no holidays drove home the point that come what may, I would be taking that break. Indefinitely.
And so I did. I worked. I loved it and it taught me an immense lot. It was a good break from my academic life, but not otherwise. Expecting work to be a break in itself is being delusional, I'm sorry to say.
Then came along my Masters program. It flew by and was one of THE best times of my life. It taught me well and it taught me good. It's just about 6 months since I finished. I decided to take another break to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.
And here I am, spending this break being a part-time teacher at a university. I love it. But a break? Nah! Far from one. During the course of this break, I hoped to see myself preparing a career for my future... chalking out a path. But I feel resentful.
I know this is the time to work hard. But when do we not work hard exactly? I refuse to include anything before early adulthood simply because those experiences somehow don't count. To me at least. I hate this rat race. Today this, tomorrow that. And if you're not doing something, that becomes frustrating in itself.
This entire retirement thing is such humbug. Imagine: you've saved up your life's earnings, settled in, got your children out of your hair, are old and wrinkly, and perhaps cannot stand to save your life... what sort of enjoyment would you reap then? Humbug I tell you, humbug. Yes people have done it before and are still doing it, but none of this makes sense to me. None of it.
Packing up and heading to the mountains or diving into the ocean with seaweed stuck between your toes and running out of it screaming and thinking you've been bitten, going rock climbing and fainting at the capacity you have, marveling at the world, digging your feet in the sand till they hurt, running till you're out of breath, falling down on the sand lying there, letting a wave wash over you, letting the sun set on you, flirting with the cute guy over there, being your own boss, taking time out to stretch, sky diving, loving animals, going bike riding under the stars, screaming out to your favourite movie star, jumping up in the air, hiking... this is what makes sense to me.
Living for now. This is what makes sense to me. I in no way intend that planning for the future is bogus. I'm just saying that most often we focus so much on the future that we forget about today.
And if there isn't a today, there will never be a tomorrow. This is what makes logical sense to me.
*images from the internet
Wow. I summed up life in what? 6 sentences? How boring.
I'm tired of this stupid rat race. And this is what it makes me feel like doing:
Even if you consciously choose not to be in it, you end up being in it. Don't ask me how. It just happens. You either compare yourself to others or you just suddenly wake up one day and realize you've so much left to do...somehow you end up either walking, running, skipping, jumping or whatever else, but in the race.
I consciously made an effort to take a break after my under-graduate course because I'd had enough. Enough of studies, pressure and the fact that I had what? 3 consecutive years of absolutely no holidays drove home the point that come what may, I would be taking that break. Indefinitely.
And so I did. I worked. I loved it and it taught me an immense lot. It was a good break from my academic life, but not otherwise. Expecting work to be a break in itself is being delusional, I'm sorry to say.
Then came along my Masters program. It flew by and was one of THE best times of my life. It taught me well and it taught me good. It's just about 6 months since I finished. I decided to take another break to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.
And here I am, spending this break being a part-time teacher at a university. I love it. But a break? Nah! Far from one. During the course of this break, I hoped to see myself preparing a career for my future... chalking out a path. But I feel resentful.
I know this is the time to work hard. But when do we not work hard exactly? I refuse to include anything before early adulthood simply because those experiences somehow don't count. To me at least. I hate this rat race. Today this, tomorrow that. And if you're not doing something, that becomes frustrating in itself.
This entire retirement thing is such humbug. Imagine: you've saved up your life's earnings, settled in, got your children out of your hair, are old and wrinkly, and perhaps cannot stand to save your life... what sort of enjoyment would you reap then? Humbug I tell you, humbug. Yes people have done it before and are still doing it, but none of this makes sense to me. None of it.
Packing up and heading to the mountains or diving into the ocean with seaweed stuck between your toes and running out of it screaming and thinking you've been bitten, going rock climbing and fainting at the capacity you have, marveling at the world, digging your feet in the sand till they hurt, running till you're out of breath, falling down on the sand lying there, letting a wave wash over you, letting the sun set on you, flirting with the cute guy over there, being your own boss, taking time out to stretch, sky diving, loving animals, going bike riding under the stars, screaming out to your favourite movie star, jumping up in the air, hiking... this is what makes sense to me.
Living for now. This is what makes sense to me. I in no way intend that planning for the future is bogus. I'm just saying that most often we focus so much on the future that we forget about today.
And if there isn't a today, there will never be a tomorrow. This is what makes logical sense to me.
*images from the internet
"Waste creature!"
Whenever I sit down to study, it's not strange or uncommon for me to look out of my window and drift...
...I wish I were lazing on a hammock...
...with blades of grass tickling my feet underneath...
...with a book in hand/laptop (with a good internet speed) on well...my lap...
...with a warm-ish but comfortable breeze swaying me by...
...with late morning dragonflies cruising around like lazy gliders...
...with a pina colada or even chilled frooti by my side...
...with perhaps a foot massage?...
...with a brilliant October sky looking down on me...
...and the sound of crashing waves somewhere nearby...
...and music if I felt like it...
...but waves will do if they're audible enough...
...and gentle rays of sun playing with blades of shade from trees on my tummy...
...and get up occasionally to cook up something yummy...
...then run to the sea for a quick splash/dip...
...then run back across the blazing hot sand...
...then eat that something yummy...
...on my lovely cushion-y hammock...(It has lots of purple fluffy cushions on it btw)
...and drift into some deep deep sleep...
*ah sigh*............
*image from the internet
...I wish I were lazing on a hammock...
...with blades of grass tickling my feet underneath...
...with a book in hand/laptop (with a good internet speed) on well...my lap...
...with a warm-ish but comfortable breeze swaying me by...
...with late morning dragonflies cruising around like lazy gliders...
...with a pina colada or even chilled frooti by my side...
...with perhaps a foot massage?...
...with a brilliant October sky looking down on me...
...and the sound of crashing waves somewhere nearby...
...and music if I felt like it...
...but waves will do if they're audible enough...
...and gentle rays of sun playing with blades of shade from trees on my tummy...
...and get up occasionally to cook up something yummy...
...then run to the sea for a quick splash/dip...
...then run back across the blazing hot sand...
...then eat that something yummy...
...on my lovely cushion-y hammock...(It has lots of purple fluffy cushions on it btw)
...and drift into some deep deep sleep...
*ah sigh*............
*image from the internet
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
You say you're ok. I say I'm ok.
We both know we're far from ok.
The affirmative mask is just to get the other by no matter the tears.
We know that.
Which is why you tell me you're ok and I tell you I'm ok.
We know better too.
I don't know why some things in the world just happen and some decisions in the world are made while we move on by.
Moving on. I don't know yet.
And last night, just that phrase you said made me break because I never knew how much it hurt to miss you.
Missing you. I hope you know.
I know you know.
Lots of love. Always. :)
We both know we're far from ok.
The affirmative mask is just to get the other by no matter the tears.
We know that.
Which is why you tell me you're ok and I tell you I'm ok.
We know better too.
I don't know why some things in the world just happen and some decisions in the world are made while we move on by.
Moving on. I don't know yet.
And last night, just that phrase you said made me break because I never knew how much it hurt to miss you.
Missing you. I hope you know.
I know you know.
Lots of love. Always. :)
Monday, October 11, 2010
I wrote to you. Yesterday.
I deleted it. I don't know why.
I don't know why.
Happy birthday still!
May you always be a sparkling ray of the sun. And a bright twinkling star among many, like we'd all seen at the farm when we last went.
Except this time, we won't need the telescope.
Shine on you crazy diamond!
I deleted it. I don't know why.
I don't know why.
Happy birthday still!
May you always be a sparkling ray of the sun. And a bright twinkling star among many, like we'd all seen at the farm when we last went.
Except this time, we won't need the telescope.
Shine on you crazy diamond!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Experiment # 293
A double layered marble cake with a dark chocolate filling and icing.
Since this IS an experiment, this is only the beginning.
Step 1: Gather all your ingredients (eggs, flour, baking powder, castor sugar, vanilla essence, cocoa powder, milk and butter)
Step 2: Prepare all your ingredients. Sieve flour and baking powder together. Add sugar. Keep aside. Melt butter. Mix cocoa powder with a few teaspoons of milk.
Step 3: Mix all the dry ingredients together, namely the flour and sugar.
Step 4: Pour the butter and eggs and mix. Add vanilla essence.
Step 5: Divide the batter into two portions. In one portion, add the cocoa and mix.
Step 6: Pour into a baking dish. Pre-heat the oven (for about 5 minutes) while preparing the cake batter. Use a toothpick to "design" the batter.
Step 7: Bake in the oven for 40 minutes at 220 degrees Celsius.
Step 8: Clean up. Lick yummy batter. Feel full.
Step 9: Take the cake out, cool for 15 minutes and cut into half.
Step 10: Melt chocolate with a little butter. Add the chocolate filling to the cake!
Step 11: Use some chocolate with icing sugar and a few tablespoons of milk to whisk a thick icing. SMEAR all over your cake
Step 12: Dive into the bliss that is your freshly baked cake!
Since this IS an experiment, this is only the beginning.
Step 1: Gather all your ingredients (eggs, flour, baking powder, castor sugar, vanilla essence, cocoa powder, milk and butter)
Step 2: Prepare all your ingredients. Sieve flour and baking powder together. Add sugar. Keep aside. Melt butter. Mix cocoa powder with a few teaspoons of milk.
Step 3: Mix all the dry ingredients together, namely the flour and sugar.
Step 4: Pour the butter and eggs and mix. Add vanilla essence.
Step 5: Divide the batter into two portions. In one portion, add the cocoa and mix.
Step 6: Pour into a baking dish. Pre-heat the oven (for about 5 minutes) while preparing the cake batter. Use a toothpick to "design" the batter.
Step 7: Bake in the oven for 40 minutes at 220 degrees Celsius.
Step 8: Clean up. Lick yummy batter. Feel full.
Step 9: Take the cake out, cool for 15 minutes and cut into half.
Step 10: Melt chocolate with a little butter. Add the chocolate filling to the cake!
Step 11: Use some chocolate with icing sugar and a few tablespoons of milk to whisk a thick icing. SMEAR all over your cake
Step 12: Dive into the bliss that is your freshly baked cake!
A lack of self-pride among other things...
“Delhi has been blighted by so many bizarre mishaps that incredulity has started to give way to ennui.” - The Australian newspaper in an article headlined ‘Games are running on empty’
“Empty stands, blocked lavatories, collapsing scoreboards, vomiting swimmers and striking officials, it’s been a shocking few days for CWG organizers” - The Daily Telegraph, London in its mocking series strap-lined “What’s wrong in Delhi today?”
“Commonwealth gaffes embarrass India” - Johannesburg daily, Mail and Guardian
“Commonwealth Games’ latest bug: Concerns pool making swimmers sick” - Toronto Star
“We should leave this toilet bowl and come home!”
“Yikes...And these clowns have nukes!.”
“The Delhi Games are barely being watched. So empty are the grandstands at most venues that the Indian government has written to the organising committee ordering it to throw the event open, free, to schoolchildren. Even those few Delhites willing to pay for tickets are being thwarted. If it’s not the lack of transport or overly zealous security deterring them from going to the Games (even house keys are being confiscated), it’s the fact that when they queue for tickets, the venue box offices aren’t working. This lack of enthusiasm is seeping through to every corner of the Commonwealth" - The Australian
“From a ‘toxic’ pool to empty stadiums and faulty boxing scales, the first week of the New Delhi Commonwealth Games has served up daily blunders that have deepened India’s embarrassment" - The Mail and Guardian
“We were treated like cattle. It was disgraceful,” says Australia’s chef de mission Steve Moneghetti, complaining about the opening ceremony.
“If you hold the Games in a cesspool, what do you expect?"
- Foreign media rip the C'wealth Games apart dated 9/10/10, Times News Network.
(http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Default/Scripting/ArticleWin.asp?From=Archive&Source=Page&Skin=TOINEW&BaseHref=TOIBG/2010/10/09&PageLabel=18&EntityId=Ar01800&ViewMode=HTML&GZ=T)
I'm at a loss for words.
More so because I'm seething with anger.
I don't know if it's at India or the rest of the world.
More about this later.
“Empty stands, blocked lavatories, collapsing scoreboards, vomiting swimmers and striking officials, it’s been a shocking few days for CWG organizers” - The Daily Telegraph, London in its mocking series strap-lined “What’s wrong in Delhi today?”
“Commonwealth gaffes embarrass India” - Johannesburg daily, Mail and Guardian
“Commonwealth Games’ latest bug: Concerns pool making swimmers sick” - Toronto Star
“We should leave this toilet bowl and come home!”
“Yikes...And these clowns have nukes!.”
“The Delhi Games are barely being watched. So empty are the grandstands at most venues that the Indian government has written to the organising committee ordering it to throw the event open, free, to schoolchildren. Even those few Delhites willing to pay for tickets are being thwarted. If it’s not the lack of transport or overly zealous security deterring them from going to the Games (even house keys are being confiscated), it’s the fact that when they queue for tickets, the venue box offices aren’t working. This lack of enthusiasm is seeping through to every corner of the Commonwealth" - The Australian
“From a ‘toxic’ pool to empty stadiums and faulty boxing scales, the first week of the New Delhi Commonwealth Games has served up daily blunders that have deepened India’s embarrassment" - The Mail and Guardian
“We were treated like cattle. It was disgraceful,” says Australia’s chef de mission Steve Moneghetti, complaining about the opening ceremony.
“If you hold the Games in a cesspool, what do you expect?"
- Foreign media rip the C'wealth Games apart dated 9/10/10, Times News Network.
(http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Default/Scripting/ArticleWin.asp?From=Archive&Source=Page&Skin=TOINEW&BaseHref=TOIBG/2010/10/09&PageLabel=18&EntityId=Ar01800&ViewMode=HTML&GZ=T)
I'm at a loss for words.
More so because I'm seething with anger.
I don't know if it's at India or the rest of the world.
More about this later.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
A huge chapter of my life...
I've always felt like a blob. And here's why.
And the fact that I wasn't and still am not much of a sports person, didn't help. (I'd still prefer a board game or catching up with friends or reading than playing a SPORT). So it started off and eventually led to this:
It still is a huge part of my life. Quite a few people who cross paths with me can't really go without saying the above. The snide smiles, smirks and comments... well let's just say they're passe. I think I've maxed out!
But today, after lots of self-work (emotionally, mentally, and yes physically as well), I can say that I don't really feel like a blob anymore. Maybe it's because I've fed myself oodles of self-confidence and huge amounts of positive self-regard (thanks to my academics, ranks, awards and gold-frikkin medal apart from various other things!). Or maybe it's just because I don't care as much as I used to. No wait, I do care as much. Or it's just that I rock in general!
I think what matters now is the end result! And no, I haven't suddenly transformed into this woman-of-your-dreams person and perhaps never will. But here's what I feel today.
To the people who've made me feel like a blob, I know it's my problem but here's something I'd like to say to close this chapter:
SCREW YOU!
And that is how it's done! ;)
*images from the internet.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
There's just something about classical music. Indian Classical Music.
And I'm not here to describe my experience with it because I'm not ready to.
However, the santoor is (I think), my all-time favourite instrument that is used in Indian classical music. I love it's flitting sound, it's rounded notes that reverberate from one string to another which captivate my senses... like ghungroos let loose from a string of payals, bouncing their way down to the floor playfully...
I really hope I find a word or two to describe the sound of a santoor. Someday.
And Pandit Shivkumar Sharma is magical. There's this sense of divinity and peace when he plays.
* Image from the internet
This is what I'm presently hooked to. Do try and get yourself a listen... :) It's gorgeous!
And I'm not here to describe my experience with it because I'm not ready to.
However, the santoor is (I think), my all-time favourite instrument that is used in Indian classical music. I love it's flitting sound, it's rounded notes that reverberate from one string to another which captivate my senses... like ghungroos let loose from a string of payals, bouncing their way down to the floor playfully...
I really hope I find a word or two to describe the sound of a santoor. Someday.
And Pandit Shivkumar Sharma is magical. There's this sense of divinity and peace when he plays.
* Image from the internet
This is what I'm presently hooked to. Do try and get yourself a listen... :) It's gorgeous!
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